anoesis

anoesis

\an-oh-EE-sis\ , noun;

1.A state of mind consisting of pure sensation or emotion without cognitive content.

This is kind of how I feel whenever I see pictures of kittens or puppies. It's not something I'm proud of, being a 28 year old male I expect a little more of myself, but no matter what is going on if you flash a picture of a cute animal (puppies and kittens are the worst) my mind completely empties and my brain is overcome with thoughts of cuddles and fluff. 

This is not a quality unique to me. It consumes nearly every person who loves fluffy animals, and this is why I tried talking the pet store in my college town into letting me borrow a puppy for the afternoon. I didn't actually want to own a dog (as cute as they are I don't like cleaning up a load of dog crap off the rug) but I wouldn't mind taking something small, cute and fluffy for a walk. I was just trying to help them out. 

I think they caught on to the fact I was also planning on using the puppies to meet girls. Somehow all of my shortcomings are dulled by puppy breath. Just try to say no to dinner with a guy with the Golden Retriever puppy. You can't do it. Sure, by the third date she will start to wonder exactly how many different dogs I actually have, but having too many dates is a problem I am willing to deal with.

It would also be interesting to figure out what kind of puppies attracted what kind of girls. Do sporty girls prefer Labs? What kind of dogs would Asian twins like? Would I have to have two dogs?

Unfortunately the pet store never allowed me to conduct such research, and I've had to fall back on my personality. The puppy would be far more preferable.

ferly

ferly

\FER-lee\ , noun;

1.Something unusual, strange, or causing wonder or terror.

2.Astonishment; wonder.

3.Unexpected; strange; unusual.

 

Whether the locker room or on the beach, people always seem to have surprises up their sleeve, or in their shorts, or on their backs, more appropriately. It's strange really, walking around fully clothed all day and then getting to the beach, where it is completely acceptable for men and women to prance around in next to nothing. There are good points, such as women playing volleyball in teeny tiny bikini bottoms, and there are bad points, such as men who also chose to wear a pair of bikini bottoms. These are the ferly visuals one must fight through if one wishes to appreciate the beauty of women.

The locker room is another extremely ferly place. I don't know what it's like in the women's locker room, although I've researched plenty of movies, but the men's locker room is a far, far less sexier place. There is always one guy, between the ages of 70 and 71, who just won't be happy until you get a good long look at his balls. You can't avoid them, oh no. They are swinging around the room when you head to the gym, and they are there swinging around when you get back to hit the shower. 

Are older men more comfortable being naked and don't notice how ferly it is seeing their bits and pieces on display? Even if one were to make the "More comfortable" argument there is no reason for the extended periods of time these men spend naked in the locker room. 

 

Unless they have some kind of ferly vendetta against me? This is the only reasonable explanation. At some point I've upset this man, and the only way he feels he can get even is by putting his leg up on the bench when I'm tying my shoes and having a conversation with me about his grand kids. 

 

Well two can play at this game! I'm referring to human beings now, not a set of balls, although that would be apt too. 

recrimination

recrimination

\rih-krim-uh-NAY-shuhn\ , noun;

1.The act of returning one charge or accusation with another.

2.An accusation brought by the accused against the accuser; a counter accusation.

 

While he who smelt it, dealt it, it's also important to understand that whoever denied it, supplied it. 

 

We will stand accused of many things in life, and will do well to remember the best defense is a good offense. I've found shouting also helps. At dinner you're friend Bob might enjoy a few jokes at your expense. Bob thought your girlish reaction to touching a bass caught during the boy's fishing trip last summer in the Keys, so Bob is regaling everyone at the table with his best impression of you. Everyone seems to really be enjoying it, and the only one at the dinner table who isn't laughing is you. One person is shooting beer out of their nose, while another woman is screaming "OMG STOP IT I AM GOING TO PEE MY PANTS!" 

This is the part where you stand up and shout "Yeah! Well! Bob is having an affair!" That will bring the laughter to a screeching halt and move the focus from your effeminate behavior to Bob's extramarital affairs. Does it matter Bob isn't actually having an affair? Not at all! Recrimination doesn't have to be true, it just has to be a good counter accusation. Perhaps you'll luck out and actually guess right. Perhaps Bob has been having a secret affair over the past year he thought no one knew about. Then Bob will have to pay you $10,000 in hush money. Isn't recrimination fun?

dissolute

dissolute

\DIS-uh-loot\ , adjective;

1.Loose in morals and conduct; marked by indulgence in sensual pleasures or vices.

 

I wish this word rolled off the tongue a bit easier, because it encompasses all of the qualities I search for in a woman. Loose morals AND indulgence in sensual pleasures? Are you free this weekend? No? What about right now in this broom closet? 

Unfortunately it sounds like an insulting word with it's hissing SS's and general condescension. It's a shame such words sound so judgemental when they promise so much fun. Much like the lovely onomatopoeia dissolute somehow sounds exaclty like what it is. If it sounded like a bit more fun then maybe more people would want to act in a dissolute fashion. 

Take the word cuddle, for example. Cuddle is an adorable word, and I believe it is due to this that everyone loves cuddling. But if I were referred to as a man behaving in a dissolute fashion I would feel like I needed to say 5 Hail Mary's and flog myself. 

In conclusion, we do not need to cease living lives of excess and hedonism, we just need to come up with cuter words to describe it.

Frowsy

Frowsy
\FROW-zee\ , adjective; 

1. Habitually unkempt.


Being unkempt is one thing. But to make a habit out of it? That's commitment. Everyone can appreciate how hard it is to develop a habit. I've been attempting to save a percentage of my income for years and somehow always fall up short. Same thing goes for packing my lunches, going to the gym, and saying something nice to someone everyday, these are all things I've tried and failed to make a habit out of. 


So I stand here in great awe of the man who has made a habit out of looking sloppy and is able to do so on a regular basis. It's hard work looking like you've just rolled out of bed 5 minutes ago. Hats off to the frowsy, who sacrifice dignity for consistency. 


Frankly I'm jealous.I envy the man who wakes up every day and isn't bothered with the thought of pants. I dream of all the free time I would have if I didn't have to spend it ironing shirts. I would probably spend it rolling around on a pull out sofa, putting the perfect amount of wrinkles into a shirt to let everyone know I truly have nothing going on in my life. 


While I quietly judge the frowsy among us, they have the last laugh. I congratulate myself for being so well put together and making such a splendid first impression, whereas upon meeting me the frowsy merely think "You weren't important enough to change into a shirt without mustard stains on it."

pica

pica

\PAHY-kuh\ , noun;

1.An abnormal appetite or craving for substances that are not fit to eat.

 

Part of me is really happy that I know the origins of Pokemon's main characters name, Pica Chu. On the other hand the greater part of me, the part that consists of my masculinity, is wildly dissapointed. I also look forward to sharing the meaning of Pica with someone very soon, but don't know how to shoehorn my knowledge of Pokemon into a conversation without seeming creepy. 

Sometimes it's best to just remain quiet if you want your friend's to feel safe with their children around you.

woolgathering

woolgathering

\WOOL-gath-(uh)-ring\ , adjective;

1.Indulgence in idle daydreaming.

 

There are those of us with a tendancy of spacing out at the most innapropriate moments in time. To people who don't spend excssive amounts of time woolgathering reactions can range from bemusement to perplexion to outright anger. 

Women in particular do not appreciate this apparent lack of auditory attention, particularly when they are explaining to us what improvements need to be made in order to make us more socially acceptable. For the record I firmly believe that it is my right to walk around my house naked if I so desire, regardless of who is coming to dinner. 

What the more grounded among us seem to not quite understand is the absolute neccessity of our daydreaming. For example, the other day I spent a good amount of time wondering exactly how to fight off a shark in less than 5 feet of water. Or how to fend off an angry bear using only ones wits and a spatula. While these circumstances seem improbable they are not altogether unlikely. There are 6 billion people on Earth and nearly three times as many bears, it's bound to happen at some point. 

During these periods of woolgathering, which can occasionally last up to six weeks, it is best not to interrupt us, particularly while we are driving. We tend to be anxious and startle easily, there is no need to bother us with the boring details of your day just because we're "married".