collop

collop

noun:
1. A fold or roll of flesh on the body.

I know that if I drank water instead of Pepsi and used the running shoes I paid to much money for 6 months ago I wouldn’t have to stand in front of my bathroom mirror every morning and pinch the collops around my mid-section. These rolls seem to be showing up in the absence of my metabolism, which was firing on all cylinders just a few short years ago but now seems to have given up the good fight.

I tried giving my metabolism a pep talk by explaining that I’m a man who will never get by on personality alone, but it just seemed to yawn and give me a glassy look as though I was a re-run of a television show it has already seen.

My next tactic included fad diets that involved holding a grapefruit under each armpit all day, or something, I’m not sure how it was supposed to work I didn’t read very closely. I’m not sure if it made me any healthier but it certainly made it harder to eat. When the fad diets failed I returned to my metabolism and took a more aggressive tactic. I’m not sure the yelling and screaming worked, but I burned a lot of calories trying to explain to people I am not insane.

The next approach I’m considering is violence. I plan on beating my metabolism into submission with one of the sneakers I haven’t been using to jog. The irony is not lost on me.

frondescence

 

frondescence

fron-DES-uhns \  , noun;

1.Leafage; foliage.

2.The process or period of putting forth leaves, as a tree, plant, or the like.

 

While watching cartoons growing up I assumed adulthood would be filled with plenty of hilarious hijinx and falling piano's. I also thought I would be spending a lot of time hiding amongst the frondescence, trying to play myself off as a tree while I snuck around on the tips of my toes. As I grow I am happy to report there has only been one occasion in which I have been compelled to disguise myself as a tree and sneak up on a friend, but that's only because he was dressed as a bush. 

 

I am not familiar with the cartoons of today, but I doubt they were as wonderfully mean spirited or violent as the cartoons I grew up with in the 80's. Instead of watching anvils and piano's fall on people's heads kids today are watching a non-denominational multi-national politically correct cartoon teaching them Spanish. 

 

After years and years of lobbying, the politically correct among us have turned cartoons into tools to instill morals into our children. After hours and years spent in front of the television children learn to love one another and celebrate our differences. 

 

Then one of them figures out how to search YouTube for skateboarders doing face plants onto concrete and shares it with his or her friends, resulting in the destruction of everything responsible adults have been working towards.  

 

Some things will just never not be amusing.  

moribund

 Moribund

 

1.in a dying state; near death.

2.on the verge of extinction or termination.

 

Whether being screamed at through the door of a handicapped bathroom stall in a public restroom by a handicapped person or being sprayed by a skunk on my way to the Homecoming dance there have been many times where I have felt moribund in life, as I am sure you have as well. 

 

The most important thing you can do is have an escape plan. There is no way I will ever become less socially awkward. Tripping over objects and sticking my foot in my mouth is simply how I function in society. 

 

I have accepted this completely, and this is why I never enter a room or a car without an escape plan. For example, let's say you are sitting in the back seat of a convertible describing the one night stand you had at the party last night. After 20 minutes the guy you don't know very well in the front passenger seat reveals the girl of whom you are describing in great detail is his sister. Awkward situation? Yes, but not if you remember to bring your para-sail. Rip the cord and leap from the vehicle, air velocity should take carry you to safety assuming you don't get dragged under the tired of an 18-wheeler.