collop

collop

noun:
1. A fold or roll of flesh on the body.

I know that if I drank water instead of Pepsi and used the running shoes I paid to much money for 6 months ago I wouldn’t have to stand in front of my bathroom mirror every morning and pinch the collops around my mid-section. These rolls seem to be showing up in the absence of my metabolism, which was firing on all cylinders just a few short years ago but now seems to have given up the good fight.

I tried giving my metabolism a pep talk by explaining that I’m a man who will never get by on personality alone, but it just seemed to yawn and give me a glassy look as though I was a re-run of a television show it has already seen.

My next tactic included fad diets that involved holding a grapefruit under each armpit all day, or something, I’m not sure how it was supposed to work I didn’t read very closely. I’m not sure if it made me any healthier but it certainly made it harder to eat. When the fad diets failed I returned to my metabolism and took a more aggressive tactic. I’m not sure the yelling and screaming worked, but I burned a lot of calories trying to explain to people I am not insane.

The next approach I’m considering is violence. I plan on beating my metabolism into submission with one of the sneakers I haven’t been using to jog. The irony is not lost on me.