churlish

churlish

CHUR-lish \  , adjective;

1.Boorish or rude.

2.Of a churl; peasantlike.

3.Stingy; mean.

4.Difficult to work or deal with, as soil.

 

I find I am my most churlish in the morning, which I define as any time before 2 pm. 

 

It isn't that I dislike morning so much as I don't appreciate the obligations morning brings. For example, being expected to "wake up" and "go to work" is a nuisance I could do without. I would enjoy mornings much more if I could move from my bed to my couch, or from my bed to another bed in an adjacent room. This would not only make me much easier to deal with, but it would dramatically improve the happiness of those around me. 

 

A good, long, hot shower tends to wash the churlishness away, but not far enough away that it forgets where I am. It waits outside the steamy heaven for me in the form of cold tiles and November air. Being cold is sure to make me difficult, but so is being too hot, so I suppose that's a wash. 

  

Commuting doesn't help me with my churlishness either. Having to slam on my brakes randomly because the woman driving in front of me decided it was crucial she merge into my lane at the very moment I was trying to take a sip of tea frustrates me to the point where I don't know if I want to cuss at her or cuss at my tea. This results in a generic sputtering sound that must make me look insane to anyone who happens to see me through my car window. 

 

By the time I arrive at work I have such a good churl going there is no hope for the day 

serry

serry

SER-ee \  , verb;

1.To crowd closely together.

 

As I stand in the twilight of my twenties I tend to reflect on the places I've been and the places I intend to go. As I look forward I notice most of the rooms tend to be a little less crowded, which does not bother me, as I hope to be living in a place where I can wear sandals all year round and I would prefer avoiding having my toes stepped on by angry drunk college kids with too much testosterone and too much hope for the future. 

 

While many people, women in particular, view the age of 30 as a pending nuclear disaster that will send them diving under school desks (although lets be frank, our expanding waistlines prevent us from fitting under desks like we used to) I tend to view 30 as a sweet spot. 

 

The early twenties have too many hopes and ambitions crowded into one brain. The twenty-something intends to conquer the world and make their millions within a few short years. I spent so much time chasing my tail, and the tails of other more attractive twenty-somethings, that I have accomplished nothing. 

 

I have more likelihood of success now not because I am older and wiser, but because I am starting to learn exactly what I am incapable of.  

dipsomania

dipsomania

\dip-suh-MEY-nee-uh\ , noun;

1.An irresistible, typically periodic craving for alcoholic drink.

 

I've been feeling a small bout of dipsomania myself lately. The truth is I haven't had a drink in over three full months and it's starting to worry me. The only people who go an extended period of time without a drink are people battling an addiction to alcohol, therefore I feel it is crucial to get unnecessarily drunk to prove to myself I am not an alcoholic. 

 

It's this kind of rock solid logic that has gotten me into the position I am in life, although whether that is a good thing or a bad thing remains to be seen. In the event I find out my current situation is for the greater good then I suggest we break out the champagne bottles in celebration. However, if it comes to be known I have in fact painted myself in a corner, so to speak, then let us break out the bottles of Jager, tip a cow over, and forget why we are standing in this field in Pennsylvania in the first place. 

stertor

stertor

\STUR-ter\ , noun;

1.A heavy snoring sound.

 

Snoring is a problem that I am happy to report I do not suffer from, although my sympathies go out to those who my snoring keeps awake. They are the true victims here. I try explaining to girlfriends my snoring is solved with a simple remedy. All you need to do to stop a person from snoring is to clap once, loudly. This usually shocks the sleeping party from their heavy stertor and provides a respite from  the noise. 

If this does not suffice I simply request to be rolled over onto my side, a sure way to cease the sawing of logs. More than one girlfriend has taken this approach with gusto, and I've found myself on many occasions waking up on the floor, with an angry girlfriend peering over the side of the bed, a glimmer in her eye. 

"What did you do that for!" I shout groggily.

"You're right. Rolling you over works. You're not snoring anymore."

 

 

anoesis

anoesis

\an-oh-EE-sis\ , noun;

1.A state of mind consisting of pure sensation or emotion without cognitive content.

This is kind of how I feel whenever I see pictures of kittens or puppies. It's not something I'm proud of, being a 28 year old male I expect a little more of myself, but no matter what is going on if you flash a picture of a cute animal (puppies and kittens are the worst) my mind completely empties and my brain is overcome with thoughts of cuddles and fluff. 

This is not a quality unique to me. It consumes nearly every person who loves fluffy animals, and this is why I tried talking the pet store in my college town into letting me borrow a puppy for the afternoon. I didn't actually want to own a dog (as cute as they are I don't like cleaning up a load of dog crap off the rug) but I wouldn't mind taking something small, cute and fluffy for a walk. I was just trying to help them out. 

I think they caught on to the fact I was also planning on using the puppies to meet girls. Somehow all of my shortcomings are dulled by puppy breath. Just try to say no to dinner with a guy with the Golden Retriever puppy. You can't do it. Sure, by the third date she will start to wonder exactly how many different dogs I actually have, but having too many dates is a problem I am willing to deal with.

It would also be interesting to figure out what kind of puppies attracted what kind of girls. Do sporty girls prefer Labs? What kind of dogs would Asian twins like? Would I have to have two dogs?

Unfortunately the pet store never allowed me to conduct such research, and I've had to fall back on my personality. The puppy would be far more preferable.

ferly

ferly

\FER-lee\ , noun;

1.Something unusual, strange, or causing wonder or terror.

2.Astonishment; wonder.

3.Unexpected; strange; unusual.

 

Whether the locker room or on the beach, people always seem to have surprises up their sleeve, or in their shorts, or on their backs, more appropriately. It's strange really, walking around fully clothed all day and then getting to the beach, where it is completely acceptable for men and women to prance around in next to nothing. There are good points, such as women playing volleyball in teeny tiny bikini bottoms, and there are bad points, such as men who also chose to wear a pair of bikini bottoms. These are the ferly visuals one must fight through if one wishes to appreciate the beauty of women.

The locker room is another extremely ferly place. I don't know what it's like in the women's locker room, although I've researched plenty of movies, but the men's locker room is a far, far less sexier place. There is always one guy, between the ages of 70 and 71, who just won't be happy until you get a good long look at his balls. You can't avoid them, oh no. They are swinging around the room when you head to the gym, and they are there swinging around when you get back to hit the shower. 

Are older men more comfortable being naked and don't notice how ferly it is seeing their bits and pieces on display? Even if one were to make the "More comfortable" argument there is no reason for the extended periods of time these men spend naked in the locker room. 

 

Unless they have some kind of ferly vendetta against me? This is the only reasonable explanation. At some point I've upset this man, and the only way he feels he can get even is by putting his leg up on the bench when I'm tying my shoes and having a conversation with me about his grand kids. 

 

Well two can play at this game! I'm referring to human beings now, not a set of balls, although that would be apt too. 

recrimination

recrimination

\rih-krim-uh-NAY-shuhn\ , noun;

1.The act of returning one charge or accusation with another.

2.An accusation brought by the accused against the accuser; a counter accusation.

 

While he who smelt it, dealt it, it's also important to understand that whoever denied it, supplied it. 

 

We will stand accused of many things in life, and will do well to remember the best defense is a good offense. I've found shouting also helps. At dinner you're friend Bob might enjoy a few jokes at your expense. Bob thought your girlish reaction to touching a bass caught during the boy's fishing trip last summer in the Keys, so Bob is regaling everyone at the table with his best impression of you. Everyone seems to really be enjoying it, and the only one at the dinner table who isn't laughing is you. One person is shooting beer out of their nose, while another woman is screaming "OMG STOP IT I AM GOING TO PEE MY PANTS!" 

This is the part where you stand up and shout "Yeah! Well! Bob is having an affair!" That will bring the laughter to a screeching halt and move the focus from your effeminate behavior to Bob's extramarital affairs. Does it matter Bob isn't actually having an affair? Not at all! Recrimination doesn't have to be true, it just has to be a good counter accusation. Perhaps you'll luck out and actually guess right. Perhaps Bob has been having a secret affair over the past year he thought no one knew about. Then Bob will have to pay you $10,000 in hush money. Isn't recrimination fun?