Fallow

Fallow - not in use; inactive.

When I think of the word fallow I envision the farmer standing in the doorway of his simple home, wiping the sweat from his brow with a soiled blue rag he keeps in the back pocket of his overalls. He considers the fallow land stoically before turning to his wife, saying "Betsy. If this drought continues you much longer...well, I just don't know what we'll do." Betsy's chin digs into her chest as she places the apple pie on the table.

Then the farmer looks at his daughter and says "Betsy," because her name is Betsy too, "did you finish your chores?"

And Betsy, the farmers daughter sighs and sets aside her puzzle to go milk the cow. The cow is also named Betsy. Things gets confusing around the household. The farmer turns back to the fallow, drought stricken land and shakes his head.

Of course, the entire thing is just a front for a Meth Lab.

expostulate

 expostulate

\ ik-SPOS-chuh-leyt \  , verb;

1.To reason earnestly with someone against something that person intends to do or has done.

 

People seem to posses a wealth of bad ideas. Sure, there are some good eggs out there, poking at mice looking for the cure for cancer or coming up with cures for diseases they haven't invented yet, but on the whole the average schlub has about 50 really bad ideas a day.  

 

The good news is they don't have the motivation to follow through on them. The bad news is once a person gets a bad idea it seems like there is no dissuading him from action surely resulting in irreparable harm to the environment or the ego. 

 

For example, I had a friend who wasn't having a very good turn with the ladies. It seemed as though being lucky in love was not written in his stars. I tried cheering him up with a bit of gambling and alcohol, but my tactics backfired. He was up $1500 after 3 hours and well on his way to ending the day gripping the sheets and trying not to fly off the bed. This kind of run gives a man a false sense of confidence. Having lost all my money myself, I sat next to him like the loyal friend I am and nursed a few of the free drinks the girls in the kind of skirts I like were bringing around for free. 

 

After splitting Aces and hitting Blackjack on both my friend slapped me on the back and gave me that grin that precedes regrettable action. 

 

"You know what? I didn't need that girl anyway. Look all around us! There are plenty of fish in the sea, and I'm a shark today. You showed me that. In fact, the next beautiful girl I see I'm going to walk right up and say 'Look here, woman! I'm taking you out to dinner. And not next week either. I don't want to wait for any more phone calls. I'm taking you right now.'" 

 

Well I thought this was a fine idea, but when he picked the 6 foot Russian I choked on my Michelob. 

 

"Not her, chap." I expostulated. "You're a strapping fellow but you're all of five and a half feet. She'll eat you alive." 

 

"Pah!" He chortled, kicking out his chair and steadying himself against the table. "That woman is surely in love, she just don't know it yet because I haven't given her the opportunity."  

 

"It's true. You were voted to have the best personality in high school. But 100 yards of personality won't make up for the 6 inch stilettos that woman is wearing. I'm begging you, man. Lower your standards. Both literally and metaphorically." 

 

It was too late. He was already halfway across the room, tottering and pushing against the wall as though he were walking on the moon. He would give a good push with his arm, drift about 10 feet in one direction, only to come crashing back into it moments later. I watched him until he made his approach, then my empathy kicked in and I had to bury my face in my arms, not able to watch the spectacle. I couldn't hear what words were exchanged, but a few minutes later when I worked up the bravery to take a peek I saw him strolling out the door, steadying himself on the girls arm. 

 

Nearly 2 years later they were married. Their wedding pictures look ridiculous. Now they are expecting their first baby, and the poor guy hardly has any time to come drink and gamble with me. The poor guy. I really thought he was going to be able to pull it together. 

 

Turgid

turgid \TUR-jid\ , adjective:
1. Swollen, bloated, puffed up; as, "a turgid limb."
2. Swelling in style or language; bombastic, pompous; as, "a turgid style of speaking."

In every job there is a person who feels the need to speak at a level better suited for an airfield than an office. They don't realize their voice carries, and if they do, they find it wildly entertaining that when they begin to speak it causes people to spill coffee down the front of their shirt and look around for the source of the ruckus. I once worked with a woman whose laugh made you think she was chasing someone with an axe rather than exchanging small talk over the phone.

These types of people are not typically of meek stature. They are a turgid growth on office chairs. Chairs bravely taking the beating of their girth day by day, year by year. Much like we must take their verbo-nuclear assault on decent manners. Carry on brave souls. Carry on - and might I suggest a set of those little spongy noise retardants. The kind you stick your ears.

solecism

solecism

SOL-uh-siz-uhm \  , noun;

1. A breach of good manners or etiquette.

 

Standing in a line is one of America's strongest values. It has been ingrained in us from a young age, when we practiced lining up in front of the classroom door before being dismissed from school, or during fire drills so the teacher would be able to quickly and accurately account for all the children in order to be sure no child was distracted by picking their nose while the school fell around them in flames. You can imagine my surprise when I arrived in adulthood and found other people did not share the same respect for such a simple yet crucial aspect of our society.

 

I fell victim to a solecism while waiting at the customer service counter at my local grocery store. I had been waiting in line for nearly 12 minutes by that point, staring with great consternation at the back of a woman's head while she attempted to recollect her cats birthday for an 11th lottery ticket that was sure to be the big winner. 

 

This, coupled with the customer service representatives lack of enthusiasm for his job title, meant I was stuck in it for the long haul. I hunkered myself down for the duration but was delighted when a second employee stepped up to the adjacent cash register and called for the next in line, a title I proudly held but coveted by many.

 

I took an eager step toward the counter only to be nearly toppled by a tiny Grandmother with an agenda who had been standing behind me. She plopped her purse down on the counter and got right to business screaming something about the price of grapefruit or cat food, I am not sure which. 

 

It should be noted that I am a coward, and instead of stepping forward and explaining the purpose and function of lines - a formation ensuring we don't crash the desk like drunk, tottering linebackers, I simply said "That's not how lines work!" and stared intently at the floor as to avoid eye counter in case she found reason to visit the stink eye upon me.

 

 

collop

collop

noun:
1. A fold or roll of flesh on the body.

I know that if I drank water instead of Pepsi and used the running shoes I paid to much money for 6 months ago I wouldn’t have to stand in front of my bathroom mirror every morning and pinch the collops around my mid-section. These rolls seem to be showing up in the absence of my metabolism, which was firing on all cylinders just a few short years ago but now seems to have given up the good fight.

I tried giving my metabolism a pep talk by explaining that I’m a man who will never get by on personality alone, but it just seemed to yawn and give me a glassy look as though I was a re-run of a television show it has already seen.

My next tactic included fad diets that involved holding a grapefruit under each armpit all day, or something, I’m not sure how it was supposed to work I didn’t read very closely. I’m not sure if it made me any healthier but it certainly made it harder to eat. When the fad diets failed I returned to my metabolism and took a more aggressive tactic. I’m not sure the yelling and screaming worked, but I burned a lot of calories trying to explain to people I am not insane.

The next approach I’m considering is violence. I plan on beating my metabolism into submission with one of the sneakers I haven’t been using to jog. The irony is not lost on me.

frondescence

 

frondescence

fron-DES-uhns \  , noun;

1.Leafage; foliage.

2.The process or period of putting forth leaves, as a tree, plant, or the like.

 

While watching cartoons growing up I assumed adulthood would be filled with plenty of hilarious hijinx and falling piano's. I also thought I would be spending a lot of time hiding amongst the frondescence, trying to play myself off as a tree while I snuck around on the tips of my toes. As I grow I am happy to report there has only been one occasion in which I have been compelled to disguise myself as a tree and sneak up on a friend, but that's only because he was dressed as a bush. 

 

I am not familiar with the cartoons of today, but I doubt they were as wonderfully mean spirited or violent as the cartoons I grew up with in the 80's. Instead of watching anvils and piano's fall on people's heads kids today are watching a non-denominational multi-national politically correct cartoon teaching them Spanish. 

 

After years and years of lobbying, the politically correct among us have turned cartoons into tools to instill morals into our children. After hours and years spent in front of the television children learn to love one another and celebrate our differences. 

 

Then one of them figures out how to search YouTube for skateboarders doing face plants onto concrete and shares it with his or her friends, resulting in the destruction of everything responsible adults have been working towards.  

 

Some things will just never not be amusing.  

moribund

 Moribund

 

1.in a dying state; near death.

2.on the verge of extinction or termination.

 

Whether being screamed at through the door of a handicapped bathroom stall in a public restroom by a handicapped person or being sprayed by a skunk on my way to the Homecoming dance there have been many times where I have felt moribund in life, as I am sure you have as well. 

 

The most important thing you can do is have an escape plan. There is no way I will ever become less socially awkward. Tripping over objects and sticking my foot in my mouth is simply how I function in society. 

 

I have accepted this completely, and this is why I never enter a room or a car without an escape plan. For example, let's say you are sitting in the back seat of a convertible describing the one night stand you had at the party last night. After 20 minutes the guy you don't know very well in the front passenger seat reveals the girl of whom you are describing in great detail is his sister. Awkward situation? Yes, but not if you remember to bring your para-sail. Rip the cord and leap from the vehicle, air velocity should take carry you to safety assuming you don't get dragged under the tired of an 18-wheeler.