aesopian

aesopian

\ee-SOH-pee-uhn\ , adjective;

1.Conveying meaning by hint, euphemism, innuendo, or the like.

2.Pertaining to, or characteristic of Aesop or his fables.

Perhaps one of the most difficult languages to understand is that of "business speak". It is a language which allows the speaker to simultaneously be an incredible dick while remaining non confrontational and avoiding responsibility for the implied action.

Business speak is proof that we haven't yet evolved as a species. To be fair we've made a lot of progress. The wheel was impressive, and the creation of fire is second to none, but with such glorious advances as the toaster oven comes your bosses implication that an hour lunch break should last 45 minutes. 

"Not that it really matters if you take a full hour. But Jerry doesn't take a full hour, he doesn't even take a half an hour, and look how fast Jerry is moving up. Look at that nice new headset Jerry has. Isn't that nice? It's only 5 years old. Jerry works hard and is rewarded. You work hard too! But, you know, what are you going to do with an hour in the middle of the day?  Go to the gym? I feel like people who go to the gym on their lunch break are showing off. Not you of course, you're not showing off, but other people who do the very same thing you do, they're showing off. 

An hour is fine. Or 45 minutes. Whatever. It gives people time to talk. The longer you're not around, the more time people have to talk...."

People might as well speak Mandarin for all the sense I can make of these aesopian accusations and veiled threats. I'll need an hour and a half lunch tomorrow just to diagram the kinds of conversations had with people around the office.

nebulize

nebulize

\NEB-yuh-lahyz\ , verb;

1.To become vague, or indistinct.

There are abilities every married man and woman should become savvy in. The art of nebulization is one of them. Women attempt to know everything, and men assume they already do. In order to save relationships one must learn the basics of nebulization. It's a subtle art of lying in which one allows another party to assume the details for themselves. These assumptions go a long way in avoiding trouble.

A man might attend a certain kind of place where young girls have fundraisers for college by pretending to be interested in him for $20. Also, she is naked. When this man comes home from the fundraiser he certainly cannot tell his wife, because women hate charity. He therefore must explain away being covered in glitter by letting the wife assume he was witness to a tragic clown car accident and helped the paramedics give the clown mouth to mouth resuscitation. Also, the clowns were naked. 

rapine

rapine

RAP-in\ , intransitive verb;

1.The act of plundering; the seizing and carrying away of another's property by force.

 

For those who don't feel like the simple act of plundering just isn't enough, a word like rapine comes along and gives us all a reason to rape and pillage with renewed enthusiasm.

Aphorism

Aphorism - A terse saying embodying a general truth, or astute observation.

It does not matter how much a person resembles Sasquatch, or that every time he (or she) speaks all you can imagine them saying is "Fe Fi Fo Fum" and at any given moment you fear they will grab you by the waist and climb to the top of the nearest sky scraper to swat at helicopters. A person so large and rotund you wonder if they arrive to work by beanstalk.

Sure, these little aphorisms might apply to the person and fit them like a brand new moo-moo, but these are not polite things to say. We must always remember that. Just because it's true, and we want nothing more than to put someone in their place, we are grown ups. AT least until you put your two weeks in. Then that person better keep their tone in check lest you be forced to resort the Microsoft Word file you've been keeping on your desk top full of insults for everyone.

gazump

gazump

1.To cheat by raising the price, at the time a contract is to be signed, over the amount originally agreed upon.

 

In a never ending effort to increase their bottom line stores have made it more and more difficult for you to make a purchase without spending an extra $50 on things you never knew you needed. Upon purchasing an XBox recently it was highly recommended to me that I purchase a protection plan for the system, 

 

"Just in case it stops working."

"But it shouldn't 'just stop working.'" I replied. "In fact, I would say the reason I'm buying it brand new, from a store as reputable as yours, is so it won't 'just stop working.' Is this machine going to just stop working?" 

"Well of course not sir. But it might. That's why I recommend this $50 protection plan! If you buy this, we'll fix it for you."

"And if I don't buy the plan, and the device you sold me stops working...you won't replace it even though you sold me defective merchandise?"

"Of course we will sir! We'll just give you a really hard time about it."

Ah, I see! So a stores gazumption lies in their preference for charging customers for services that they already handle anyway. Well played, big business. Well played.

cavalcade

cavalcade

kav-uhl-KAYD; KAV-uhl-kayd\ , noun;

1.A procession of riders or horse-drawn carriages.

2.Any procession.

3.A sequence; a series.

 

Cavalcade is simply a fun word to use, and can be used in so many situations. Your day at the Zoo could be a cavalcade of fun just as easily as your night at the bar could have  been a cavalcade of bad decisions. Either way they included a stolen giraffe and being thrown bodily from a public place. Not only can you "have" a cavalcade but you can also be a part of one. I feel like if you ever find yourself as a part of a cavalcade you will be part of a large group on horseback or unicycles. "The Renegade Unicyclists" might be your cavalcade name. Nobody would actually be scared of you because let's face it, all you would need is a light push and you would be flat on the ground. 

I think we need to keep kids out of gangs and in more cavalcades.

remunerate

remunerate

\rih-MYOO-nuh-rate\ , transitive verb;

1.To pay an equivalent to for any service, loss, or expense; to recompense.

2.To compensate for; to make payment for.

In Ohio it is illegal to drive without car insurance. Ultimately this is a good thing, as it forced people to be financially responsible in the event they are at fault for a car accident. The only catch is that insurance companies really enjoy taking my money but do not enjoy giving any of it back when I file a claim. Not only that, but if I actually were to file a claim, they would simply raise the amount of money I need to give them every month. I wish I had life figured out the way insurance companies have getting my money figured out. 

It's the only product that you buy it in hopes of never having to use it. It's certainly the only product I can think of that if you do use it, they actually give you a hard time and raise the price of it. It's like buying a bottle of water and the clerk saying "Well the bottled water is $1, but if you're actually going to drink it then it's $1.25." 

I walked outside one morning on my way to work and found my passenger side window has been busted out and my GPS stolen from my glove box. You can imagine how thrilled I was to finally have an excuse to use my car insurance. The joke was on me.

"Glass? Oh, we don't cover that."
"But I have been paying for this car insurance for over 12 years now without ever filing a claim!"
"Well yeah we cover damages to your car, but not that part of it. And by the way, it sounds like you're living in a pretty dangerous area...we better update your policy to note that. You might see an increase in rates."

Well played Insurance companies. Well played.