Dirigible

Dirigible - dir·i·gi·ble [dir-i-juh-buhl, dih-rij-uh-]

 

–noun

1. an airship.

–adjective

2. designed for or capable of being directed, controlled, or steered.

 

This word has been rolling around in my head for a few days now. I've been trying to think of my favorite dirigible, and I've come to a decision. I'm not trying to take anything away from jet airplanes and their ability to fly faster than the speed of sound and shoot missiles, or the jumbo jet that can carry 250 passengers from New York to Los Angeles without refueling, but ultimately they just don't do it for me. Not in the way that a blimp does it for me, at least. Blimps are amazing, and everyone should own one. Or maybe only I should own one. I can't decide. Instead of Facebook or Twitter I could get one of those giant programmable electronic signs for my status updates, so when I'm flying over the local stadium every one will understand that I prefer Oreo Cookies to Soft Batch, and I will have successfully wasted every one's time as well as promoted discussion about cookies.

 

Not only that, but it's pretty much impossible to die in a blimp crash. Even under the most dire circumstances the blimp gets a hole in it and somebody yells, "Oh my God! We're going to crash in like...20 minutes!" and then you just descend slowly and land with a soft thud on the grass.

 

Real Life Usage:

 

Me: Alright dude! I'm outta here!

Friend: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You've been drinking tonight buddy.

Me: What? I only had like...6 Zimas and a wine cooler.

Friend: Friends don't let friends drink and dirigible.

Me: Don't be such a square! I only have to float like 6 blocks.

Friend: Yeah but last time you drank and dirigibled you ended up in Scotland.

Me: Dude that wasn't my fault! My GPS system wasn't updated properly!

Moist

moist

–adjective -er, -est.

1. moderately or slightly wet; damp.

2. (of the eyes) tearful.

3. accompanied by or connected with liquid or moisture.

4. (of the air) having high humidity.

 

I've chosen this word today because I want to make a point. The word moist is the most disgusting word in the english language. Just hearing it makes me feel violated. Use it 5 times today and gross people out.

 

Real Life Usage

 

Dude: Dude! Would you like a piece of cake?

Bro: Hell yeah I would bro!

Dude: Dude this cake is exceedingly moist!

Bro: You know what bro? I think I just lost my appetite.

Hogmanay

Hogmanay hog-muh-NEY \  , noun;

1. a gift given on New Year's Eve.

 

A new year! And we're that much closer to the Mayan Apocolypse. I will be keeping busy in 2011 by maxing out credit cards, making late payments on my car, and avoiding my landlord. I don't see any way this could backfire.

 

Before we get to the real life usage of todays word, I would like to do a quick impression of my cat.

 

"Busy busy day today! So much to do. I need to shed all over the freshly laundered sheets, cough up a hairball, stare out the window for 20 minutes, and then ignore my owner until he starts writing, at which point I will attempt to lay down on his keyboard. Yep! Busy day, nothing could distract me from this...from this...HEY LOOK...STRING!...ARGGHHHHH!"

 

At first I was hesitant of making jokes at the expense of my cat, but then remembered that she only reads Jane Austen and the poetry of Emily Dickinson (My cat is going through a "goth" phase) so no need to worry about her stumbling across this.

 

On to todays usage.

 

Me: Thanks for inviting me to your party! I've left a token of hogmanay on your couch!

Host: Dude, that's vomit.

Me: Happy New Year!

 

 

 

descry

descry dih-SKRY \  , transitive verb;

1. To catch sight of, especially something distant or obscure; to discern.

2. To discover by observation; to detect.

 

No other word in the English language reminds me of big foot and impending shark attacks like "descry". This isn't a word to fumble around with. You need it loaded and cocked in the holster, ready to fire off at any given moment, because by the time you lay this one down on your friends that Big Foot or shark is going to be all up in your face, and from then on it's all flailing limbs and cussing from there. The good news is that your friends, while being torn apart by an angry dolphin, will appreciate your mastery of the English language.

 

Real Life Usage:

Me: Hark! I believe I can descry a shadowy figure riding a galloping horse in the distance travelling our way. Let us sit idly by and appreciate the beauty of this glorious steed!

Friend: Dude that's not any shadowy figure, it's big foot riding a unicorn!

Me, being impaled by unicorn: Arghhhhh!

Friend (video taping with camera phone): Dude, this is going to get so many hits on youtube.

malapropos

malapropos \ mal-ap-ruh-POH \  , adjective;

1. Unseasonable; unsuitable; inappropriate.

adverb:

1. In an inappropriate or inopportune manner; unseasonably.

 

This word best describes the recent screenplay I've been working on, the working title being "Time Traveling Jesus", in which Jesus travels back to the day of his birth to stop Godless Liberals from ruining the true meaning of Christmas. While the initial installment is a Christmas film I see a lot of room for sequels. If you recall the 80's classics "Ernest Scared Stupid" and "Ernest Goes to Jail" you'll understand where I'm going with this. "Jesus Goes to Operation Iraqi Freedom" and "Jesus Goes to the Jersey Shore (and sends them all to hell)" might not play well to the coasts, but they'll be a smash hit in the flyover states. Even half drunk on champagne 2 hours after ringing in the new year I can think of 10 awesome places to send a time travelling Jesus, and if I can think of great story lines while I'm half drunk just imagine how much I can accomplish completely wasted! Anyway, I don't have a lot of the key plot points hashed out just yet but I can already tell you that in my films Jesus is dressed up a lot like Elvis (except more rhinestones) and in the climatic scene the villain says

 

"Yeah sure I'm ruining Christmas, what are you going to do about it, Jesus?"

 

To which Jesus replies,

 

"It's not what I'm going to do, it's what they're going to do." At which point a large number of American troops appear from behind J.C.and machine gun down all the bad guys.

 

That's what the word malapropos makes me think of.

 

And since I can't think of a funny example to utilize this word in I'll challenge you to a contest. Submit the funniest usage of the word "malapropos" and win a prize. I don't know what the prize is yet, but rest assured it will be something cheap. I'll publish the winning response with credit to the author in a future WOTD. E-mail me at whenifeeldoomed@gmail.com.

 

Happy New Year all! And happy birthday, planet earth.

Brazen

brazen BREY-zuhn \  , adjective;

Shameless or impudent.

 

"Brazen" is derived from the Olde English word "Brozen" - meaning a straightforward attempt by a character from The Jersey Shore to pick up a girl at a bar.

 

 

 

 

Bonanza

bonanza buh-NAN-zuh \  , Noun;

1. A source of great and sudden wealth or luck.

2. A rich mass of ore, as found in mining.

 

Bonanza is the kind of word I would like to party with. If you wanted to go out on a friday night and you called up Bonanza he would be in front of your apartment within the hour in his Jeep with 3 Asian Super Models and a cooler full of 4Loco. Such is the way the word bonanza is.

 

Real Life Usage:

 

Me: Few times I been round that track but I ain't gonna let it happen like dat cause I ain't no holla back girrrrl, I ain't no holla back girrrrl. Ooooo this shtick is bonanza, B-O-N-A-N-Z-A I said this shtick is bonanza! B-O-N-A-N-Z-A!

Friend: Dude, you never get anything right.