nonage

nonage

\ NON-ij; NOH-nij \  , noun;

1.The time of life before a person becomes legally of age.

2.A period of youth or immaturity.

In the United States a child legally exits a period of nonage at the age of eighteen, although there is not much of a celebration or rite of passage during this period. You might go buy a lottery ticket and a pack of cigarettes and move on with your life. Other cultures, however, slightly differ. The Massai Warriors' (of Kenya) rite of passage consists of hunting a fully grown, male lion with nothing but a spear. The Aborigines of Australia send their boys into the Australian Outback for six months without any aid. 

On my 18th birthday I stood outside of a gas station and tried to get someone to buy me beer. God I love living in a civilized country.  

hypnagogic

hypnagogic 

\ hip-nuh-GOJ-ik; -GOH-jik \  , adjective;

1.Of, pertaining to, or occurring in the state of drowsiness preceding sleep.

 

This hynagogic state freaks me out in a bad way. If you're anything like me you've been there before, getting ready for your afternoon nap following a hard Saturday morning of sleeping in and fighting a hangover, and just as your weary head hits the pillow you fall into that odd state of not quite sleeping yet not and convince yourself a Zombie dolphin is going to swim out of the floor and bite you in the face. That's when you do that weird leg jerk thing and scare yourself awake.

 

The only time I feel dumber than when I do the leg jerk thing is when I scare myself awake from snoring too loud. 

turpitude

turpitude \ TUR-puh-tood; -tyood \  , noun;

1. Inherent baseness or vileness of principle, words, or actions; depravity.

2. A base act.

Come to think of it. I've chosen most of my friends based on their turpitude. A swell bunch of fellows....just don't let them near your girlfriend...or lend them money...or ask them to pick you up from the airport.

subterfuge

SUB-tur-fyooj \  , noun;

1. A deceptive device or stratagem.

Before I was the ideal of masculinity I was a small boy afraid of needles, particularly needles being stuck into me. I would have rather taken my chances with Polio. What's good enough for Franklin Delano Roosevelt is good enough for me. My mother and many nurses disagreed. They were not fooled by my declaration that I already had my shots and that I would surely die if I were given another one. Hiding didn't work either. In order to get me to go to the Doctor my mother would tell me we were going some place  interesting, like Fischer Big Wheel, where she would purchase me a new Matchbox Car. There was a lot of subterfuge going on during that period of my life, and I always lost.

Real Life Usage:
Nurse: On the count of three I'm going to give you the shot. It will only hurt a little bit, and it will be over very, very fast.
(A very doubting) Me: You're not going to do that thing like in the movies where you say you're going to count to three, but then jam me with the thing at the two count right?
Nurse:...No....
Me: Allow me to brace myself.
Nurse: Oneeee...(jams needle into my arm)
Me: Oh damn you devil woman! Tricked again by your deviant subterfuge! You're just the Russians in The Hunt for Red October!"
Nurse: You have quite a mouth on you for a four year old.

uxorious

uxorious uk-SOR-ee-us; ug-ZOR- \  , adjective;

1. Excessively fond of or submissive to a wife.

I'm single (surprise! wait a minute, you mean the guy who writes a word blog doesn't pull in slammin hot chicks on the regular? I could almost fall out of my chair) and one of my favorite things to do is make fun of my happier friends in order to cover up my insecurities and feelings of emotional failure and imperfection.

Real Life Usage:
Me: Dude not only is this armchair luxurious, but your relationship with your wife is very uxorious!
Friend: Thanks dude...wait, what does that mean.
Me: It means your wife has turned you into a spineless, P-Whipped eunuch incapable of making a decision for yourself like a real man.
Friend: I hate you.
Me: Totally justified.

malinger

malinger

muh-LING-guhr \  , intransitive verb;

1. To feign or exaggerate illness or inability in order to avoid duty or work.

Now I know the word for what takes up the bulk of my time. But you don't just malinger to avoid that project your boss wants you to work on. Men need to malinger on a number of things, including the his and her baby shower I was invited to a few months back. A lovely couple, to be sure, and although the baby (born since the invitation) is more likely to scare the dog before winning any baby model awards from Gerber I'm sure he will grow up to be an upstanding tax payer.

philomath

philomath

FIL-uh-math \  , noun;

1.A lover of learning; a scholar.

 

A lover of Learning, eh? That's quite a loaded statement. Does this definition describe an individual who loves to learn, or perhaps the lover of Learning which Learning's wife may not know about? I don't suppose we'll ever know. But I sure hope I'm not around when Mrs. Learning finds out Learning has a lover. 

 

Perhaps he'll be attending the school of hard knocks...? HAHA (I'm really sorry about that joke, but once I thought it, I had to write it. Even though it is, we can all agree, forced and awful).  

inveigle

inveigle

in-VAY-guhl; -VEE- \  , transitive verb;

1.To persuade by ingenuity or flattery; to entice.

2.To obtain by ingenuity or flattery.

This word reminds me of the time my friend returned the $250 he owed to me twenty minutes before we went to certain kind of place they refer to as a gentleman's club despite no actual gentleman being present there. 

I realize now that I was both inveigled by my friend, who filled me full of a strange brew that loosens inhibitions and, within certain limits, makes one exceedingly agreeable and then inveigled not twenty five minutes later by a girl who happened to be sitting on my lap. Strange occurrences, to be sure. I'll never touch a drop of that so called "whiskey" again.

So I was either duel-inveigled or re-inveigled. I'll have to give this far more consideration than what was supposed to be a simple story about a nice evening about town with an old school chum. 

Rakish

rakish

REY-kish \  , adjective;

1. Smart; jaunty; dashing.

2. Of a vessel: having an appearance suggesting speed.

3. Like a rake; dissolute: rakish behavior.

Smart, jaunty and dashing is pretty much what I try to be every day, except I'm usually more awkward, fumbling and quirky.

Is there a word for awkward, fumbling and quirky?

Awfirqurky?
Awquirmbling?

Nothing? Bueller? Bueller...

abscond

abscond

ab-SKOND \  , intransitive verb;

1. To depart secretly; to steal away and hide oneself -- used especially of persons who withdraw to avoid arrest or prosecution.

 

Thank the Lord for a word like abscond. How would we be able to depart secretly otherwise? Absconding is one of my strengths. Truth be told, I can't stand awkward situations, which is ironic, because I create so many of them.

 

Real Life Usage:

Friend: So, mam, when is the baby due?

Woman: I'm not pregnant...

Me: Dude! Abscond! Abscond!

 

Buss

buss BUS \  ,

noun, verb;

1. A kiss; a playful kiss; a smack.

transitive verb:

1. To kiss; especially to kiss with a smack.

Kissing is a fun, romantic activity that occasionally leads to a gentle caress. Gentle caresses then lead to heavy petting, which might lead to bumpin tummies. Bumping tummies can lead to illegitimate babies, and illegitimate babies are the leading cause of crime.

I don't want to get shot, so stop making out with everybody, dear reader.

Real Life Usage:

Club Goer: Yo dude I'm about to buss you in the face!

Me: OMG, WTF!

Friend: Aw that nice man is going to kiss you!