Bedaub

Bedaub

1. To smudge over; to besmear or soil with anything thick and dirty.
2. To over decorate, to ornament showily or excessively.

I am not a person who loves Christmas. Every year I try to get in the spirit of things and every year I just end up under an enormous pile of blankets yelling at people about the cold.

This is not about that, though. This is about Christmas lights and whether you like the skinny ones or the fat ones. Is it wrong that I quietly judge people who bedaub their homes with fat, bulbous Christmas lights? It's not that I hate the fat lights so much as I don't understand why you would choose them when you know the skinny lights are available.

Neglecting the use of the skinny Christmas lights in favor of the Fat lights is spitting in the face of technological evolution, and Christmas is about nothing if not about technology* that will be outdated within the year (hey, just in time for next Christmas!).

If you use the Fat lights you may as well go back to putting real candles on the tree and living in a log cabin without plumbing. It's that serious. So 7 months from now while your decorating the house with your family let's keep it classy with the skinny lights - it will save me from having to make inaccurate character judgements about the inhabitants of your lovely home.

Splenetic

 Splenetic - Irritable, peevish, spiteful

What is it about being crabby on occassion that provides me with such a great sense of satisfaction? I used to think I envied people wiht a sunny disposition but to be honest I'm starting to feel a little bad for them. They'll never know the joy of giving a backhanded compliment, an icy stare, or even letting the elevator doors close despite hearing a person you don't particularly care for shuffling their stupid, oafish feet toward the elevator.

It's not their fault though, their brains produce too much serotonin to fully enjoy life the way it was intended.

premonish

premonish

\ pri-MON-ish \  , verb;

1.To warn beforehand.

 

As a good friend you are there to serve as a rock for the people you love. You are there to give them advice when they seek counsel, a shoulder to cry on, or premonishment when they need forewarned of impending doom. On occasion, you're friend might inform you of their intent to follow through with a certain action potentially causing  them moderate bodily injury, extreme social awkwardness and embarrassment, or otherwise general stupidity. These situations are ripe for your premonishing wisdom yet for some reason you hold back your thoughts and opinions because sometimes personal entertainment at the expense of the people you love trumps your unparalleled clarity and understanding of how events will unfold. 

 

So when your friend, the one who can't tie his own shoe without falling over, informs you of his desire to take up snowboarding, you need not feel guilty about holding back your thoughts. You are free to sip hot cocoa with the other snow bunnies in the heated lodge while watching him tumble to the bottom of the mountain. That's what friends are for. 

incommodious

incommodious

in-kuh-MOH-dee-uhs\ , adjective;

1. Inconvenient, as not affording sufficient space or room; uncomfortable.

 

Let us consider for a moment driving, more specifically the act of merging into another lane. My commute home from work requires me to merge into the right lane in order to access the on ramp to the high way. I've learned there are certain people whose main goal is to prevent me from doing just the very merge needed to get home to my tivo in a prompt fashion. I'm not sure what's going on in there life, but losing a car length is not an option for them. I used to be patient and wait for a person who feels in control of there life enough that they might let me over as opposed to the individual who feels so out of control that the one and only thing they are able to do in their day is prevent me from changing lanes, giving them some sort of Lordly satisfaction. 

The blink blink blink of my turn signal used to be a request. An incessant "Please? Please? Please?" while I held up traffic. Over time, my turn signal has evolved from a request into a statement. When the blinker starts flashing I'm not letting other drivers know I am trying to merge. I let them know I AM merging, whether they like it or not. My sister, with whom I carpool, gave me sage advice. 

"Wait until someone with a nice car is coming up behind you, if you cut them off they will do everything they can to avoid hitting you." 

Wiser words have never graced my ears.

Purlieu

purlieu

\ PUR-loo \  , noun;

1.A place where one may range at large; confines or bounds.

2.A person's haunt or resort.

 

Your mansion, house, apartment, shanty, cardboard box or purlieu in general can say a lot about your personality. Chances are if you have a guitar and a large music collection you're a musician. Paint supplies? You're dealing with an artist. Just as guitars and easels say something about you and yours, my  purlieu also says something about me - I'm poor. 

 

You might notice by the mismatching furniture, the tube television, or the empty Ramen containers strewn about. Needless to say, it all leads to the same place. Which is a shame really, because I have the most beautiful banker in the world. I mean really, she is as cute as a button. But there is simply no way that she would ever go out with me. After all, she has access to my bank accounts. You can't flirt your way out of an over draft fee. 

 

Although my purlieu is nothing fancy, nothing to show off or brag about, it is where I am able to write to you from, and that's enough for me. 

dandle

dandle

\ DAN-dl \  , verb;

1.To move (a baby, child, etc.) lightly up and down, as on one's knee or in one's arms.

2.To pet; pamper.

 

Dandling a baby seems like a delicate activity, and I'm not quite sure I'm up for the task. It isn't as though I wouldn't like to do it. I'm sure I would seem quite charming to single women if I were caught dandling, so long as they understood the child was only a temporary ornament. I'll cut right to it and say that it's really an issue of droppage. It may sound immature but honestly, do you let everyone drive your brand new car on the first day you've bought it? Of course you don't. Why should you act any differently with your brand new human being? 

 

Further, what do I do with my cigarette while dandling? I can't keep it in my mouth, my hands are holding the baby, should the baby hold the cigarette? I'll bet you didn't think dandling would be so complicated, eh? But that's just my nature. Identify all probable outcomes in order to best avoid responsibility.