cavalcade

cavalcade

kav-uhl-KAYD; KAV-uhl-kayd\ , noun;

1.A procession of riders or horse-drawn carriages.

2.Any procession.

3.A sequence; a series.

 

Cavalcade is simply a fun word to use, and can be used in so many situations. Your day at the Zoo could be a cavalcade of fun just as easily as your night at the bar could have  been a cavalcade of bad decisions. Either way they included a stolen giraffe and being thrown bodily from a public place. Not only can you "have" a cavalcade but you can also be a part of one. I feel like if you ever find yourself as a part of a cavalcade you will be part of a large group on horseback or unicycles. "The Renegade Unicyclists" might be your cavalcade name. Nobody would actually be scared of you because let's face it, all you would need is a light push and you would be flat on the ground. 

I think we need to keep kids out of gangs and in more cavalcades.

remunerate

remunerate

\rih-MYOO-nuh-rate\ , transitive verb;

1.To pay an equivalent to for any service, loss, or expense; to recompense.

2.To compensate for; to make payment for.

In Ohio it is illegal to drive without car insurance. Ultimately this is a good thing, as it forced people to be financially responsible in the event they are at fault for a car accident. The only catch is that insurance companies really enjoy taking my money but do not enjoy giving any of it back when I file a claim. Not only that, but if I actually were to file a claim, they would simply raise the amount of money I need to give them every month. I wish I had life figured out the way insurance companies have getting my money figured out. 

It's the only product that you buy it in hopes of never having to use it. It's certainly the only product I can think of that if you do use it, they actually give you a hard time and raise the price of it. It's like buying a bottle of water and the clerk saying "Well the bottled water is $1, but if you're actually going to drink it then it's $1.25." 

I walked outside one morning on my way to work and found my passenger side window has been busted out and my GPS stolen from my glove box. You can imagine how thrilled I was to finally have an excuse to use my car insurance. The joke was on me.

"Glass? Oh, we don't cover that."
"But I have been paying for this car insurance for over 12 years now without ever filing a claim!"
"Well yeah we cover damages to your car, but not that part of it. And by the way, it sounds like you're living in a pretty dangerous area...we better update your policy to note that. You might see an increase in rates."

Well played Insurance companies. Well played.

abject

abject

\ab-JEKT\ , adjective;

1.Utterly hopeless, miserable, humiliating, or wretched.

2.Contemptible; despicable.

 

Man talk about a word that really needs a pep talk. You can be hopeless and miserable if you'd like but to also be wretched? Come on now let's not keep all the synonyms to ourselves, there are a lot of pathetic people out there who want to be contemptible as well. Reading this definition actually felt like more of a lecture than a simple entry in the dictionary. I won't lie. I'm actually depressed. I'm going to have to go look at adorable pictures of animals on the Internet or something to cheer me back up again.

usufruct

usufruct

\YOO-zoo-fruhkt\ , noun;

1.The right to use the property of another as long as it isn't damaged.

 

Don't bother trying to say this word without sounding German, in fact, don't even say this word around a group of German's lest they believe you are mocking their accent. 

Additionally, this word annoys me due to it's presumption of using another person's belongings. We've all known the guy who wasn't shy about "borrowing" something without returning it. I think it should go without saying that when I lend an item to a person it's their responsibility to return it to me before I actually have to ask them 5 times. Do you hear me out there all you Usufructers (See how German that sounds!?)? I shouldn't be having to show up at your homes in the dark of night and sneak in through the kitchen window in order to get back the salad tongs I lent you for a cookout in 2004.

Foofaraw

Foofaraw - excessive or flashy ornamentation.

Dating in the time of the caveman was difficult. You had to find a good solid wooden club, walk ten miles to another village, club a woman over the head, then walk 10 miles back without being caught by her tribe and murdered. Dating during the 1950's was challenging, but with a much lower chance of being speared by an arrow. Girls liked the guys with cars and guys liked the girls with no morals.

Dating in the new millennium is near impossible. There is too much competition, and I don't just mean competing with other guys. I mean there are girls who would prefer to be single and have the Internet and an iPhone rather than a boyfriend. My job as a soul mate has been outsourced by a computer company and gossip magazines. All I'm looking for is someone to love. A girl who will bring out my best qualities while ignoring the fact that I occasionally pee in the sink.

Here is a good tip for those of you out there looking for love. You have to dress in a way that catches the eye of potential suitors. Take a page out of the book of the peacock. This is the reason, when I go out, I cluck like a bird and stare at people with one eye.

If this doesn't work I take a different page out of the book of peacock and incorporate a little foofaraw in my wardrobe. This is done by wearing an earring, or a necklace. Something that can be used as a conversation piece. This can also be done by duct taping a road cone to the top of your head but remember, not all attention is good attention.

Sobriquet

Sobriquet - a nickname

A sobriquet is typically a term of endearment. When a girl adores me she might refer to me as “Chadley” or “Chadwicke” or “Fluffy McCuddlebuttons”. On occasion, though, nicknames can  take a more sinister turn. You see, dear reader, some people are not polite. They chew with their mouth open, kick the back of your seat in theaters, and generally want to hurt your feelings. They have the worst of intentions and would enjoy nothing more than to provide you with a less than flattering nickname. In order to avoid being the unhappy recipient of an unfortunate nickname certain precautions should be taken, particularly around other people. For example, when you buy a coffee at a hip bistro, be sure to use your mouth to drink the coffee, as opposed to removing the lid and dumping the coffee directly upon your face, lest you become known as “Coffee Face”. When you get dressed to go out in public, be sure to remove the pants from the hanger before putting them on, or people might start calling you Hanger Pants. Nobody wants to be known as Hanger Pants. If jogging is your hobby, be sure to stick to roads and sidewalks. DO NOT run off any cliffs. If you survive, you will always be known as “Cliff.” If you’re name is already Cliff then this does not apply to you, feel free to fall off a cliff if you want.

toothsome

toothsome

\TOOTH-suhm\ , adjective;

1.Pleasing to the taste; delicious; as, "a toothsome pie."

2.Agreeable; attractive; as, "a toothsome offer."

3.Sexually attractive.

 

Toothsome is probably the least sexy word that means sexy I have heard in my entire life. Making it even creepier is the fact that it could refer to a cheesecake just as easily as a woman. If I were to describe something using the word toothsome you would have no idea if I were referring to a busty blond is a black dress and high heels or desert at Applebee's. 

This little word of the day is toothsome, just as the girl on the deck of Shooter's was toothsome, who was toothsome like a slice of cherry pie I had for breakfast this morning. 

I'm not one to spread rumors, particularly about certain adjectives, but for a word that means sexy, toothsome really tends to get around...

aporia

aporia

\uh-PAWR-ee-uh\ , noun;

1.Difficulty determining the truth of an idea due to equally valid arguments for and against it.

2.In rhetoric, the expression of a simulated or real doubt, as about where to begin or what to do or say.

 

There are occasions where I am not confident in the direction I should take. On these exceedingly rare occasions I seek the advice of a person whom I believe to be well educated on the subject of my quandary. I am giving you this advice in hopes that you might avoid the same pain I have. For if you truly want advice, or a sage answer about life or love, just ask a stupid person. Truly stupid people are the only happy people I know. 

They never read the newspaper, so the state of the world never weighs upon their merry. They are as easily amused by getting dressed up and watching a live performance of Hamlet as they are by a re-run of Jerry Springer. To them, it is one and the same. Every experience is like chocolate ice cream to them, and they live life at a steady pace of durr that is only interrupted on occasion to wipe the spit from the corners of their mouth. 

If you ask someone who is engaged with life, and has thoughts and opinions, you're going to have to get into a deep philosophical discussion about everything. Whether it be marriage - the appropriate age, time, who, where and whether or not it is even socially relevant to get married or just what kind of appetizer you should get - they'll wax existential about Jalapeno Poppers and use the Socratic Method to argue for the onion rings. 

By the time the person is done giving you advice you'll be completely bewildered and in such aporia you'll be more confused than when you started, and you'll forget what the question was in the first place. 

deciduous

deciduous

 dih-SIJ-oo-uhs\ , adjective;

1.Falling off or shed at a particular season, stage of growth, etc.

 

Some of my favorite moments in my day come from misunderstandings. Overhearing the wrong part of a conversation, or walking into a conversation at just the wrong moment. Overhearing the cashier at the supermarket telling the elderly gentlemen he is going to start getting some as soon as his wife leaves town, only to realize later they were talking about hobbies, well, that just makes my heart swell with joy and happiness. 

I had the same experience reading the definition of deciduous for the first time. Upon initial glance I mistakenly believed it meant to fall off a shed, as opposed to simply shedding, and had a charming little visual of people tumbling from sheds all over the country. I had no idea why they were on top of the shed in the first place, and to be honest I didn't care to know why, all that was important to me was people continue to fall from sheds. 

After careful consideration, and much to my disappointment, I realized that deciduous simply implies an act of falling off, or shedding, as in trees or leaves. I suppose it makes more sense that way, although I don't want it to.