Fallow

Fallow - not in use; inactive.

When I think of the word fallow I envision the farmer standing in the doorway of his simple home, wiping the sweat from his brow with a soiled blue rag he keeps in the back pocket of his overalls. He considers the fallow land stoically before turning to his wife, saying "Betsy. If this drought continues you much longer...well, I just don't know what we'll do." Betsy's chin digs into her chest as she places the apple pie on the table.

Then the farmer looks at his daughter and says "Betsy," because her name is Betsy too, "did you finish your chores?"

And Betsy, the farmers daughter sighs and sets aside her puzzle to go milk the cow. The cow is also named Betsy. Things gets confusing around the household. The farmer turns back to the fallow, drought stricken land and shakes his head.

Of course, the entire thing is just a front for a Meth Lab.

expostulate

 expostulate

\ ik-SPOS-chuh-leyt \  , verb;

1.To reason earnestly with someone against something that person intends to do or has done.

 

People seem to posses a wealth of bad ideas. Sure, there are some good eggs out there, poking at mice looking for the cure for cancer or coming up with cures for diseases they haven't invented yet, but on the whole the average schlub has about 50 really bad ideas a day.  

 

The good news is they don't have the motivation to follow through on them. The bad news is once a person gets a bad idea it seems like there is no dissuading him from action surely resulting in irreparable harm to the environment or the ego. 

 

For example, I had a friend who wasn't having a very good turn with the ladies. It seemed as though being lucky in love was not written in his stars. I tried cheering him up with a bit of gambling and alcohol, but my tactics backfired. He was up $1500 after 3 hours and well on his way to ending the day gripping the sheets and trying not to fly off the bed. This kind of run gives a man a false sense of confidence. Having lost all my money myself, I sat next to him like the loyal friend I am and nursed a few of the free drinks the girls in the kind of skirts I like were bringing around for free. 

 

After splitting Aces and hitting Blackjack on both my friend slapped me on the back and gave me that grin that precedes regrettable action. 

 

"You know what? I didn't need that girl anyway. Look all around us! There are plenty of fish in the sea, and I'm a shark today. You showed me that. In fact, the next beautiful girl I see I'm going to walk right up and say 'Look here, woman! I'm taking you out to dinner. And not next week either. I don't want to wait for any more phone calls. I'm taking you right now.'" 

 

Well I thought this was a fine idea, but when he picked the 6 foot Russian I choked on my Michelob. 

 

"Not her, chap." I expostulated. "You're a strapping fellow but you're all of five and a half feet. She'll eat you alive." 

 

"Pah!" He chortled, kicking out his chair and steadying himself against the table. "That woman is surely in love, she just don't know it yet because I haven't given her the opportunity."  

 

"It's true. You were voted to have the best personality in high school. But 100 yards of personality won't make up for the 6 inch stilettos that woman is wearing. I'm begging you, man. Lower your standards. Both literally and metaphorically." 

 

It was too late. He was already halfway across the room, tottering and pushing against the wall as though he were walking on the moon. He would give a good push with his arm, drift about 10 feet in one direction, only to come crashing back into it moments later. I watched him until he made his approach, then my empathy kicked in and I had to bury my face in my arms, not able to watch the spectacle. I couldn't hear what words were exchanged, but a few minutes later when I worked up the bravery to take a peek I saw him strolling out the door, steadying himself on the girls arm. 

 

Nearly 2 years later they were married. Their wedding pictures look ridiculous. Now they are expecting their first baby, and the poor guy hardly has any time to come drink and gamble with me. The poor guy. I really thought he was going to be able to pull it together. 

 

Turgid

turgid \TUR-jid\ , adjective:
1. Swollen, bloated, puffed up; as, "a turgid limb."
2. Swelling in style or language; bombastic, pompous; as, "a turgid style of speaking."

In every job there is a person who feels the need to speak at a level better suited for an airfield than an office. They don't realize their voice carries, and if they do, they find it wildly entertaining that when they begin to speak it causes people to spill coffee down the front of their shirt and look around for the source of the ruckus. I once worked with a woman whose laugh made you think she was chasing someone with an axe rather than exchanging small talk over the phone.

These types of people are not typically of meek stature. They are a turgid growth on office chairs. Chairs bravely taking the beating of their girth day by day, year by year. Much like we must take their verbo-nuclear assault on decent manners. Carry on brave souls. Carry on - and might I suggest a set of those little spongy noise retardants. The kind you stick your ears.

solecism

solecism

SOL-uh-siz-uhm \  , noun;

1. A breach of good manners or etiquette.

 

Standing in a line is one of America's strongest values. It has been ingrained in us from a young age, when we practiced lining up in front of the classroom door before being dismissed from school, or during fire drills so the teacher would be able to quickly and accurately account for all the children in order to be sure no child was distracted by picking their nose while the school fell around them in flames. You can imagine my surprise when I arrived in adulthood and found other people did not share the same respect for such a simple yet crucial aspect of our society.

 

I fell victim to a solecism while waiting at the customer service counter at my local grocery store. I had been waiting in line for nearly 12 minutes by that point, staring with great consternation at the back of a woman's head while she attempted to recollect her cats birthday for an 11th lottery ticket that was sure to be the big winner. 

 

This, coupled with the customer service representatives lack of enthusiasm for his job title, meant I was stuck in it for the long haul. I hunkered myself down for the duration but was delighted when a second employee stepped up to the adjacent cash register and called for the next in line, a title I proudly held but coveted by many.

 

I took an eager step toward the counter only to be nearly toppled by a tiny Grandmother with an agenda who had been standing behind me. She plopped her purse down on the counter and got right to business screaming something about the price of grapefruit or cat food, I am not sure which. 

 

It should be noted that I am a coward, and instead of stepping forward and explaining the purpose and function of lines - a formation ensuring we don't crash the desk like drunk, tottering linebackers, I simply said "That's not how lines work!" and stared intently at the floor as to avoid eye counter in case she found reason to visit the stink eye upon me.

 

 

collop

collop

noun:
1. A fold or roll of flesh on the body.

I know that if I drank water instead of Pepsi and used the running shoes I paid to much money for 6 months ago I wouldn’t have to stand in front of my bathroom mirror every morning and pinch the collops around my mid-section. These rolls seem to be showing up in the absence of my metabolism, which was firing on all cylinders just a few short years ago but now seems to have given up the good fight.

I tried giving my metabolism a pep talk by explaining that I’m a man who will never get by on personality alone, but it just seemed to yawn and give me a glassy look as though I was a re-run of a television show it has already seen.

My next tactic included fad diets that involved holding a grapefruit under each armpit all day, or something, I’m not sure how it was supposed to work I didn’t read very closely. I’m not sure if it made me any healthier but it certainly made it harder to eat. When the fad diets failed I returned to my metabolism and took a more aggressive tactic. I’m not sure the yelling and screaming worked, but I burned a lot of calories trying to explain to people I am not insane.

The next approach I’m considering is violence. I plan on beating my metabolism into submission with one of the sneakers I haven’t been using to jog. The irony is not lost on me.

frondescence

 

frondescence

fron-DES-uhns \  , noun;

1.Leafage; foliage.

2.The process or period of putting forth leaves, as a tree, plant, or the like.

 

While watching cartoons growing up I assumed adulthood would be filled with plenty of hilarious hijinx and falling piano's. I also thought I would be spending a lot of time hiding amongst the frondescence, trying to play myself off as a tree while I snuck around on the tips of my toes. As I grow I am happy to report there has only been one occasion in which I have been compelled to disguise myself as a tree and sneak up on a friend, but that's only because he was dressed as a bush. 

 

I am not familiar with the cartoons of today, but I doubt they were as wonderfully mean spirited or violent as the cartoons I grew up with in the 80's. Instead of watching anvils and piano's fall on people's heads kids today are watching a non-denominational multi-national politically correct cartoon teaching them Spanish. 

 

After years and years of lobbying, the politically correct among us have turned cartoons into tools to instill morals into our children. After hours and years spent in front of the television children learn to love one another and celebrate our differences. 

 

Then one of them figures out how to search YouTube for skateboarders doing face plants onto concrete and shares it with his or her friends, resulting in the destruction of everything responsible adults have been working towards.  

 

Some things will just never not be amusing.  

moribund

 Moribund

 

1.in a dying state; near death.

2.on the verge of extinction or termination.

 

Whether being screamed at through the door of a handicapped bathroom stall in a public restroom by a handicapped person or being sprayed by a skunk on my way to the Homecoming dance there have been many times where I have felt moribund in life, as I am sure you have as well. 

 

The most important thing you can do is have an escape plan. There is no way I will ever become less socially awkward. Tripping over objects and sticking my foot in my mouth is simply how I function in society. 

 

I have accepted this completely, and this is why I never enter a room or a car without an escape plan. For example, let's say you are sitting in the back seat of a convertible describing the one night stand you had at the party last night. After 20 minutes the guy you don't know very well in the front passenger seat reveals the girl of whom you are describing in great detail is his sister. Awkward situation? Yes, but not if you remember to bring your para-sail. Rip the cord and leap from the vehicle, air velocity should take carry you to safety assuming you don't get dragged under the tired of an 18-wheeler.  

churlish

churlish

CHUR-lish \  , adjective;

1.Boorish or rude.

2.Of a churl; peasantlike.

3.Stingy; mean.

4.Difficult to work or deal with, as soil.

 

I find I am my most churlish in the morning, which I define as any time before 2 pm. 

 

It isn't that I dislike morning so much as I don't appreciate the obligations morning brings. For example, being expected to "wake up" and "go to work" is a nuisance I could do without. I would enjoy mornings much more if I could move from my bed to my couch, or from my bed to another bed in an adjacent room. This would not only make me much easier to deal with, but it would dramatically improve the happiness of those around me. 

 

A good, long, hot shower tends to wash the churlishness away, but not far enough away that it forgets where I am. It waits outside the steamy heaven for me in the form of cold tiles and November air. Being cold is sure to make me difficult, but so is being too hot, so I suppose that's a wash. 

  

Commuting doesn't help me with my churlishness either. Having to slam on my brakes randomly because the woman driving in front of me decided it was crucial she merge into my lane at the very moment I was trying to take a sip of tea frustrates me to the point where I don't know if I want to cuss at her or cuss at my tea. This results in a generic sputtering sound that must make me look insane to anyone who happens to see me through my car window. 

 

By the time I arrive at work I have such a good churl going there is no hope for the day 

serry

serry

SER-ee \  , verb;

1.To crowd closely together.

 

As I stand in the twilight of my twenties I tend to reflect on the places I've been and the places I intend to go. As I look forward I notice most of the rooms tend to be a little less crowded, which does not bother me, as I hope to be living in a place where I can wear sandals all year round and I would prefer avoiding having my toes stepped on by angry drunk college kids with too much testosterone and too much hope for the future. 

 

While many people, women in particular, view the age of 30 as a pending nuclear disaster that will send them diving under school desks (although lets be frank, our expanding waistlines prevent us from fitting under desks like we used to) I tend to view 30 as a sweet spot. 

 

The early twenties have too many hopes and ambitions crowded into one brain. The twenty-something intends to conquer the world and make their millions within a few short years. I spent so much time chasing my tail, and the tails of other more attractive twenty-somethings, that I have accomplished nothing. 

 

I have more likelihood of success now not because I am older and wiser, but because I am starting to learn exactly what I am incapable of.  

dipsomania

dipsomania

\dip-suh-MEY-nee-uh\ , noun;

1.An irresistible, typically periodic craving for alcoholic drink.

 

I've been feeling a small bout of dipsomania myself lately. The truth is I haven't had a drink in over three full months and it's starting to worry me. The only people who go an extended period of time without a drink are people battling an addiction to alcohol, therefore I feel it is crucial to get unnecessarily drunk to prove to myself I am not an alcoholic. 

 

It's this kind of rock solid logic that has gotten me into the position I am in life, although whether that is a good thing or a bad thing remains to be seen. In the event I find out my current situation is for the greater good then I suggest we break out the champagne bottles in celebration. However, if it comes to be known I have in fact painted myself in a corner, so to speak, then let us break out the bottles of Jager, tip a cow over, and forget why we are standing in this field in Pennsylvania in the first place. 

stertor

stertor

\STUR-ter\ , noun;

1.A heavy snoring sound.

 

Snoring is a problem that I am happy to report I do not suffer from, although my sympathies go out to those who my snoring keeps awake. They are the true victims here. I try explaining to girlfriends my snoring is solved with a simple remedy. All you need to do to stop a person from snoring is to clap once, loudly. This usually shocks the sleeping party from their heavy stertor and provides a respite from  the noise. 

If this does not suffice I simply request to be rolled over onto my side, a sure way to cease the sawing of logs. More than one girlfriend has taken this approach with gusto, and I've found myself on many occasions waking up on the floor, with an angry girlfriend peering over the side of the bed, a glimmer in her eye. 

"What did you do that for!" I shout groggily.

"You're right. Rolling you over works. You're not snoring anymore."

 

 

anoesis

anoesis

\an-oh-EE-sis\ , noun;

1.A state of mind consisting of pure sensation or emotion without cognitive content.

This is kind of how I feel whenever I see pictures of kittens or puppies. It's not something I'm proud of, being a 28 year old male I expect a little more of myself, but no matter what is going on if you flash a picture of a cute animal (puppies and kittens are the worst) my mind completely empties and my brain is overcome with thoughts of cuddles and fluff. 

This is not a quality unique to me. It consumes nearly every person who loves fluffy animals, and this is why I tried talking the pet store in my college town into letting me borrow a puppy for the afternoon. I didn't actually want to own a dog (as cute as they are I don't like cleaning up a load of dog crap off the rug) but I wouldn't mind taking something small, cute and fluffy for a walk. I was just trying to help them out. 

I think they caught on to the fact I was also planning on using the puppies to meet girls. Somehow all of my shortcomings are dulled by puppy breath. Just try to say no to dinner with a guy with the Golden Retriever puppy. You can't do it. Sure, by the third date she will start to wonder exactly how many different dogs I actually have, but having too many dates is a problem I am willing to deal with.

It would also be interesting to figure out what kind of puppies attracted what kind of girls. Do sporty girls prefer Labs? What kind of dogs would Asian twins like? Would I have to have two dogs?

Unfortunately the pet store never allowed me to conduct such research, and I've had to fall back on my personality. The puppy would be far more preferable.

ferly

ferly

\FER-lee\ , noun;

1.Something unusual, strange, or causing wonder or terror.

2.Astonishment; wonder.

3.Unexpected; strange; unusual.

 

Whether the locker room or on the beach, people always seem to have surprises up their sleeve, or in their shorts, or on their backs, more appropriately. It's strange really, walking around fully clothed all day and then getting to the beach, where it is completely acceptable for men and women to prance around in next to nothing. There are good points, such as women playing volleyball in teeny tiny bikini bottoms, and there are bad points, such as men who also chose to wear a pair of bikini bottoms. These are the ferly visuals one must fight through if one wishes to appreciate the beauty of women.

The locker room is another extremely ferly place. I don't know what it's like in the women's locker room, although I've researched plenty of movies, but the men's locker room is a far, far less sexier place. There is always one guy, between the ages of 70 and 71, who just won't be happy until you get a good long look at his balls. You can't avoid them, oh no. They are swinging around the room when you head to the gym, and they are there swinging around when you get back to hit the shower. 

Are older men more comfortable being naked and don't notice how ferly it is seeing their bits and pieces on display? Even if one were to make the "More comfortable" argument there is no reason for the extended periods of time these men spend naked in the locker room. 

 

Unless they have some kind of ferly vendetta against me? This is the only reasonable explanation. At some point I've upset this man, and the only way he feels he can get even is by putting his leg up on the bench when I'm tying my shoes and having a conversation with me about his grand kids. 

 

Well two can play at this game! I'm referring to human beings now, not a set of balls, although that would be apt too. 

recrimination

recrimination

\rih-krim-uh-NAY-shuhn\ , noun;

1.The act of returning one charge or accusation with another.

2.An accusation brought by the accused against the accuser; a counter accusation.

 

While he who smelt it, dealt it, it's also important to understand that whoever denied it, supplied it. 

 

We will stand accused of many things in life, and will do well to remember the best defense is a good offense. I've found shouting also helps. At dinner you're friend Bob might enjoy a few jokes at your expense. Bob thought your girlish reaction to touching a bass caught during the boy's fishing trip last summer in the Keys, so Bob is regaling everyone at the table with his best impression of you. Everyone seems to really be enjoying it, and the only one at the dinner table who isn't laughing is you. One person is shooting beer out of their nose, while another woman is screaming "OMG STOP IT I AM GOING TO PEE MY PANTS!" 

This is the part where you stand up and shout "Yeah! Well! Bob is having an affair!" That will bring the laughter to a screeching halt and move the focus from your effeminate behavior to Bob's extramarital affairs. Does it matter Bob isn't actually having an affair? Not at all! Recrimination doesn't have to be true, it just has to be a good counter accusation. Perhaps you'll luck out and actually guess right. Perhaps Bob has been having a secret affair over the past year he thought no one knew about. Then Bob will have to pay you $10,000 in hush money. Isn't recrimination fun?

dissolute

dissolute

\DIS-uh-loot\ , adjective;

1.Loose in morals and conduct; marked by indulgence in sensual pleasures or vices.

 

I wish this word rolled off the tongue a bit easier, because it encompasses all of the qualities I search for in a woman. Loose morals AND indulgence in sensual pleasures? Are you free this weekend? No? What about right now in this broom closet? 

Unfortunately it sounds like an insulting word with it's hissing SS's and general condescension. It's a shame such words sound so judgemental when they promise so much fun. Much like the lovely onomatopoeia dissolute somehow sounds exaclty like what it is. If it sounded like a bit more fun then maybe more people would want to act in a dissolute fashion. 

Take the word cuddle, for example. Cuddle is an adorable word, and I believe it is due to this that everyone loves cuddling. But if I were referred to as a man behaving in a dissolute fashion I would feel like I needed to say 5 Hail Mary's and flog myself. 

In conclusion, we do not need to cease living lives of excess and hedonism, we just need to come up with cuter words to describe it.

Frowsy

Frowsy
\FROW-zee\ , adjective; 

1. Habitually unkempt.


Being unkempt is one thing. But to make a habit out of it? That's commitment. Everyone can appreciate how hard it is to develop a habit. I've been attempting to save a percentage of my income for years and somehow always fall up short. Same thing goes for packing my lunches, going to the gym, and saying something nice to someone everyday, these are all things I've tried and failed to make a habit out of. 


So I stand here in great awe of the man who has made a habit out of looking sloppy and is able to do so on a regular basis. It's hard work looking like you've just rolled out of bed 5 minutes ago. Hats off to the frowsy, who sacrifice dignity for consistency. 


Frankly I'm jealous.I envy the man who wakes up every day and isn't bothered with the thought of pants. I dream of all the free time I would have if I didn't have to spend it ironing shirts. I would probably spend it rolling around on a pull out sofa, putting the perfect amount of wrinkles into a shirt to let everyone know I truly have nothing going on in my life. 


While I quietly judge the frowsy among us, they have the last laugh. I congratulate myself for being so well put together and making such a splendid first impression, whereas upon meeting me the frowsy merely think "You weren't important enough to change into a shirt without mustard stains on it."

pica

pica

\PAHY-kuh\ , noun;

1.An abnormal appetite or craving for substances that are not fit to eat.

 

Part of me is really happy that I know the origins of Pokemon's main characters name, Pica Chu. On the other hand the greater part of me, the part that consists of my masculinity, is wildly dissapointed. I also look forward to sharing the meaning of Pica with someone very soon, but don't know how to shoehorn my knowledge of Pokemon into a conversation without seeming creepy. 

Sometimes it's best to just remain quiet if you want your friend's to feel safe with their children around you.

woolgathering

woolgathering

\WOOL-gath-(uh)-ring\ , adjective;

1.Indulgence in idle daydreaming.

 

There are those of us with a tendancy of spacing out at the most innapropriate moments in time. To people who don't spend excssive amounts of time woolgathering reactions can range from bemusement to perplexion to outright anger. 

Women in particular do not appreciate this apparent lack of auditory attention, particularly when they are explaining to us what improvements need to be made in order to make us more socially acceptable. For the record I firmly believe that it is my right to walk around my house naked if I so desire, regardless of who is coming to dinner. 

What the more grounded among us seem to not quite understand is the absolute neccessity of our daydreaming. For example, the other day I spent a good amount of time wondering exactly how to fight off a shark in less than 5 feet of water. Or how to fend off an angry bear using only ones wits and a spatula. While these circumstances seem improbable they are not altogether unlikely. There are 6 billion people on Earth and nearly three times as many bears, it's bound to happen at some point. 

During these periods of woolgathering, which can occasionally last up to six weeks, it is best not to interrupt us, particularly while we are driving. We tend to be anxious and startle easily, there is no need to bother us with the boring details of your day just because we're "married".

aesopian

aesopian

\ee-SOH-pee-uhn\ , adjective;

1.Conveying meaning by hint, euphemism, innuendo, or the like.

2.Pertaining to, or characteristic of Aesop or his fables.

Perhaps one of the most difficult languages to understand is that of "business speak". It is a language which allows the speaker to simultaneously be an incredible dick while remaining non confrontational and avoiding responsibility for the implied action.

Business speak is proof that we haven't yet evolved as a species. To be fair we've made a lot of progress. The wheel was impressive, and the creation of fire is second to none, but with such glorious advances as the toaster oven comes your bosses implication that an hour lunch break should last 45 minutes. 

"Not that it really matters if you take a full hour. But Jerry doesn't take a full hour, he doesn't even take a half an hour, and look how fast Jerry is moving up. Look at that nice new headset Jerry has. Isn't that nice? It's only 5 years old. Jerry works hard and is rewarded. You work hard too! But, you know, what are you going to do with an hour in the middle of the day?  Go to the gym? I feel like people who go to the gym on their lunch break are showing off. Not you of course, you're not showing off, but other people who do the very same thing you do, they're showing off. 

An hour is fine. Or 45 minutes. Whatever. It gives people time to talk. The longer you're not around, the more time people have to talk...."

People might as well speak Mandarin for all the sense I can make of these aesopian accusations and veiled threats. I'll need an hour and a half lunch tomorrow just to diagram the kinds of conversations had with people around the office.

nebulize

nebulize

\NEB-yuh-lahyz\ , verb;

1.To become vague, or indistinct.

There are abilities every married man and woman should become savvy in. The art of nebulization is one of them. Women attempt to know everything, and men assume they already do. In order to save relationships one must learn the basics of nebulization. It's a subtle art of lying in which one allows another party to assume the details for themselves. These assumptions go a long way in avoiding trouble.

A man might attend a certain kind of place where young girls have fundraisers for college by pretending to be interested in him for $20. Also, she is naked. When this man comes home from the fundraiser he certainly cannot tell his wife, because women hate charity. He therefore must explain away being covered in glitter by letting the wife assume he was witness to a tragic clown car accident and helped the paramedics give the clown mouth to mouth resuscitation. Also, the clowns were naked.