nostrum

nostrum

\ NOS-truhm \  , noun;

1.A medicine of secret composition and unproven or dubious effectiveness; a quack medicine.

2.A usually questionable remedy or scheme; a cure-all.

 

Certain types of people will tell you the best way to avoid a hangover is to not drink at all. These types of people are rarely invited to parties. It's the same kind of advice as abstinence is the only 100% reliable form of birth control.  It's theoretically sound, but in the end you just end up screwing yourself. 

 

Other, more alcoholic people offer more tangible nostrums for hangovers with little scientific evidence to back up their claims. One acquaintance of mine swears by Diet Coke and bacon, even going so far as to break her Lentil promise of giving up Pop (or soda, if you're a soda sayer) in order to cure an obstinate hangover effecting both her head and stomach. That might be good for her, but some of us might not want to anger Almighty Being's in order to get rid of a headache. 

 

Another nostrum, one that has apparently been proven by the scientific community, is drinking a glass of water between every alcoholic beverage consumed. If you were to tell me that I should trade the shot of Jagger in my hand for a glass of water I would laugh at you. Then I might try to fight you, because Jagger makes a person crazy. 

 

I suppose there is no good way to cure a hangover, but I will continue my scientific research into this quandary tonight at the bar and report back my findings. Let us reflect on the words of Thomas Edison, who said of getting drunk and trying to find the cure for hang overs, "I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward". Truer words were never spoken.

vituperation

vituperation

\ vy-too-puh-RAY-shuhn, -tyoo- \  , noun;

1.The act or an instance of speaking abusively to or about.

2.Sustained and severely abusive language.

 

What is it about cussing that makes me so happy? The birth of a child, conversation with friends, a coy look from a loved one across a crowded room. These things are all nice, but none provide me with the same feelings of relief as coming up with new and interesting ways to cuss out a driver who cuts me off in traffic on the way to work.I'm not just talking about 4 letter words here. I'm speaking of an all encompassing vituperation that rains like napalm upon the unknowing stranger. I call things about the person into question that don't even make sense in the context of driving. Personal hygiene, choice in vehicle, bumper stickers, personalized license plates, taste in women (or men), hair style, what insurance company I believe they might purchase car insurance from. Nothing is off limits. 

 

This is a game just for me though. I've never been in a situation where I've been so truly angry that no matter how egregiously wrong the object of my scorn might be, my harsh words always make me look like the insane one.

marginalia

marginalia

\mahr-juh-NEY-lee-uh\ , noun;

1.Notes in the margin of a book, manuscript, or letter.

 

One of my favorite parts about college was the realization that, for the first time in my life, I could write in the text books. I felt a sick kind of excitement. My school career up to that point consisted of veiled threats of the unknown if I did not have my text book covered promptly by a brown paper bag. Looking back on it I'm not sure how impenetrable a fortress a  brown paper bag was expected to be, but I covered my books dutifully and was sure to avoid marking the book in any way. 

After all those years of Catholic grade school pen oppression I was ready to take the plunge. The gravity of the situation was not lost on me. I wasn't just writing some notes in the margin, I was communicating with someone in the future! I was, in a sense, a time traveler.

It took everything inside me not to write "PENIS PENIS PENIS" across every page. Although I may have high lighted it a few times when it showed up in the book.

Haughty

Haughty - Blatantly and disdainfully proud.

One reason the Dog is a superior animal to the Cat is because a dog knows when it did something wrong, and feels guilty about it, whereas a Cat knows when it does something wrong, and delights in it.

The dog has the respect and presence of mind to act contrite, while the haughty feline watches you clean up the mess.

"What's up? Did you see my work in the bathroom today? It wasn't easy going through that entire roll of toilet paper but by God I did it. Now go clean it up, I'll be taking a nap on your pillow."

obfuscate

Obfuscate - make obscure or unclear.

Mammals, and by mammals I mean humans, and by humans I mean most women, and by most women I mean every single girl I have ever met in my entire life without exception, are master obfuscators. It's not their fault, it's genetically coded in their DNA.

This is why men can think they're winning an argument only to be railroaded at the last minute and caught off balance. For example, did you know it can cost $130 for a woman to get her hair cut and high lighted? And this is done every 4-6 weeks. She'll even agree with you that it is a completely unnecessary expense and women are beautiful the way they already are, without the highlights. Just when you think you've made a substantial point she'll obfuscate

"I noticed you got your hair cut..."
"Why yes, I did." You reply, without fully understanding the freight train headed your way.
"...."
"What? You don't like my haircut? It only cost me $15!"
"I'm not saying I don't like it and I'm not saying I like it. I'm just making an observation..."
"What, do you think it looked better the old way?"
"I'm not saying anything..."
"Maybe...maybe I'd look better with high lights?"
"I know a great hair stylist, and she only costs $130!"

Argh! Obfuscated again!

jiggery pokery

Jiggery Pokery - dishonest or suspicious activity; nonsense.

Although I am a proud American I am not too proud to admit I am jealous of certain things British in nature. The first is the accent. I am under the impression that American women love accents, and being nerdy and socially awkward would be a lot cuter with an English accent. . The second is they have a word like "Jiggery Pokery". I feel like no matter what you get caught doing wrong it will be forgiven if you could somehow work in the term jiggery pokery.

Did the Hotel catch you trying to nick the bathrobes? Just a little jiggery pokery on your part. Husband or Wife walk in on you cheating? Nonsense darling, just a little jiggery pokery. Operating a Meth Lab out of the basement of the local Day-Care center? Once everyone understands that it was merely a bit of jiggery pokery on your behalf all will be forgiven and we'll have a jolly good laugh later on.

corybantic

corybantic

\ kawr-uh-BAN-tik \  , adjective;

1.Frenzied; agitated; unrestrained.

 

My cat had a pretty rough childhood. I took her in from the wild after she was abandoned at just a few weeks old. I've tried to get her reconciled to a more domesticated lifestyle but I don't think she trusts it. Between her absentee mother and the traumatic experience of what she may consider being kidnapped (I know my intentions are the best, but being chased after, snatched up, dunked in a bath, and having a pink ribbon tied around your neck may have left her a little frazzled) she is having a hard time adjusting. 

 

She certainly is not fond of loud banging noises, the slightest of which throw her into a corybantic state and causes her to turn into a fluffy blur in search of the nearest couch to hide under. Unfortunately for her I am not the most cat like of creatures, and my toes have never met a wall they haven't wanted to stub themselves upon. This throws me into a corybantic state, which includes language more suitable for Jerry Springer than an educational blog.

 

Regardless, I think the cat is better off. The only drawback to her new life with me is pretty soon she'll be cussing like a sailor.  

Metier

métier

\ met-YAY; MET-yay \  , noun;

1.An occupation; a profession.

2.An area in which one excels; an occupation for which one is especially well suited.

 

The sad truth about life is that our metier is never what we wish it to be. One might hope to be an astronaut, a Scientist, or a professional athlete, but usually ends up as a janitor, and not even a good one at that. We can assume God has a sense of humor so long as we accept that sometimes we are the butt of the joke. 

Countermand

Countermand - To revoke (a former command); to cancel or rescind by giving an order contrary to on previously given.

It takes a big man to admit when he is wrong, but it takes a bigger man to ignore his previous statements and tell you to do something completely different, while shifting blame on someone else. Holding yourself accountable for your actions is easy - scapegoating an innocent third party requires a tremendous lack of ethics of personal responsibility that not many people are capable of.

Quasar

Quasar - Any of a class of extremely distant star-like celestial objects.

I feel like quasar is a great word for nerdy guys who want to write poetry for their girlfriends.

By utilizing quasar he flatters her by implying she is so far out of his league as to seem a quasar. Eventually he flubs the courtship by making an off color remark about finding the hypotenuse to her right triangle. Ah, well. Girlfriends just get in the way of World of Warcraft, anyway.

Yawp

Yawp - To make a raucous noise.

There are many situations in which I've made a raucous noise, but none more so than when I stub my toe.

It's my toes fault, really. Put them in a dark room and they set out to find the nearest wall before my fingers find the nearest light switch. I would just as soon do without them, but the ensuing loss of balance would only cause me to fall over, resulting in continued yawping.

Stupid toes. They even look stupid. I swear my big toe makes a durrr sound every time I remove my socks. I believe the pinky toe might be the only one with any brains, as it seems to tuck in underneath the nearest toe possible, as though it knows the inevitable concussions the big toe leads the foot into.

Obviate

Obviate - To anticipate and prevent

Lets take the female gender, for example. When they go out together to a local bar or dance club they stay together as a group and look out for each others best interest. They see a gentleman of questionable character and prevent him from interacting with any woman in the group.

This is a style of obviation sorely lacking within my own group of friends. Alcohol, as you may or may not know, has a certain way of dulling the senses and softening the features of the opposite sex, who may in fact resemble more an NFL linebacker than a swimsuit model.

Upon realizing this my friends never fail to take action.

"Look at Chad flirting with that girl over there..."
"Wow. Her shoulders are broader than his are..."
"..."
"Let's buy him another shot."

natatorium

[ney-tuh-tawr-ee-uhm, -tohr-, nat-uh-]

1.) a swimming pool, especially one that is indoors.

I am a man living the life of his dreams, even when those dreams are not based fully in reality. Sure, hard work pays off eventually, but lying to myself makes me feel better now. 

Where some might see a bathtub in my cramped one bedroom apartment I see my own personal natatorium, where I swim up to six laps a day. You might think the palm tree themed shower curtain is tacky, but I happen to enjoy the beach view. 

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go practice my cannonballs.