thimblerig

thimblerig
THIM-buhl-rig \  , verb;

1. To cheat or swindle, as in the traditional shell game known as thimblerig.

noun:

1. A game in which the operator rapidly moves about three inverted thimbles, often with sleight of hand, one of which conceals a token, the other player betting on which thimble the token is under

katzenjammer

katzenjammer KAT-suhn-jam-er \  , noun;

1. The discomfort and illness experienced as the aftereffects of excessive drinking; hangover.

2. Uneasiness; anguish; distress.

3. Uproar; clamor.

kvetch

kvetch KVECH \  , intransitive verb;

1. To complain habitually.

noun:

1. A complaint.

2. A habitual complainer.

 

All too often we regress to vulgar language when we want to tell someone to quit their bitching. Kvetch is a nice, polite way to inform a person that we all have problems and their whining is uncalled for.

 

Real Life Usage:

Me: Quit your kvetching!

Friend: Wait, what?

Me: It means I'm tired of listening to you bitch and moan.

Friend: Well why didn't you just say that in the first place?

Me: Because, I'm classy.

doughty

doughty DOW-tee \  , adjective;

1. Marked by fearless resolution; valiant; brave.

 

Men have a peculiar habit of fantasizing about heroics. This is why James Thurber's "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" reverberates so strongly and what made Don Quixote attack windmills. We relish the idea of saving the girl, getting in bar fights, being President, and generally saving the day.

 

I have had very few opportunities for heroics but would like to think, if given the chance, I would rise to the occasion. Unfortunately this has not been my experience.

 

5 years ago I had the chance of playing hero to a group of under privileged youths during a game of kick ball. I was doing volunteer work for the city government along with another fellow about my age whose competitive side dominated his personality rather strongly. He didn't realize, apparently, that when playing kick ball against a group of children, you let them win. We played on opposite teams, and as he watched the red ball bounce by home plate he called out "Bad pitch!" and retrieved the ball from the back stop for the allegedly incapable 8 year old pitcher.

 

The second roll was apparently more to his liking, and he threw such weight behind his right leg that one might believe he was trying out for punter of the New England Patriots. Fortunately for the children the ball was booted higher than 5 feet - had it been a line drive I'm sure it would have caught a first grader in the solar plexus and bruised a rib. It took the children 15 minutes to retrieve the ball from the creek as he rounded the bases with what I felt was uncalled for celebration.

 

I had planned on a light tap to the short stop and a trip to first base for my at-bat, but as the "other big kid" I felt I owed my team a comparable performance. Pardon me while I wag my tail, but I have the history of a rather accomplished soccer player, and was well versed in the art of kicking things. I pivoted my foot and crushed the ball into left field. Never has such beauty been seen in my form. The ball sailed high in the air and I began to take my trot. Unfortunately a bespectacled youth who couldn't see his own hand in front of his face chose his position wisely and didn't take 2 steps in order to field what was supposed to be my rising to the occasion. I was called out and we ended up losing the game by one run. I could tell the kids were disappointed in me, but praised my valiant effort regardless. The kid who caught the ball, however, was celebrated in his dug out.

 

Perhaps I am better suited for villainy, anyhow.

 

Real: Life Usage:

Dude: I am feeling doughty! Friend, besmirch my ladies name so that I might prove my love by punching you in the face!

Friend: Eh?

Dude: You call her an insatiable cow, do you! Oh you scandalous curd! I'll make you pay!

 

 

Threefer!

Hey there, crimestoppers! I'm wrapping up three words for you today since I've been a bad, bad little blogger and didn't post last night. My sincere apologies. I won't let it happen again. Unless, of course, I start drinking jager. A spank on the bottom and we're on our way.


Baroque: Referring to art, literature, or music that is excessively ornamental. Baroque dates from the Seventeenth century, which gave birth to the form.
The more words you can have to describe art without actually having to know anything about art the better. The charming thing about art is that it doesn't make any sense and sometimes doesn't even seemingly require any talent. I pity today’s talented artists, who are forced to live in poverty while somebody hangs a urinal on the wall and is called a genius. As far as I can tell a group of people (untalented pretentious assholes) stand around and pay homage only to things they can't understand, even if the reason they can't understand it is because it's meaningless. When tangible talent is viewed the assholes are able to criticize it. When they see a turd on a silver platter (literally) they want to call it "transcendent". It pisses me off. Anyways.

Real Life Usage:
Friend: Want to go see a movie?
You: No way dude, I am totally baroque.
Friend: Please stop using that word like that.
You: Let's stay in and watch Baroqueback Mountain.
Friend: (kicks you)
You: Dude, I think you baroque my finger!
Bovine: of or resembling a cow or ox.

Ask anybody, I love a classy way to call somebody a big fat cow.

Real Life Usage:
Dumb friend: What did you think of my new girlfriend/boyfriend?
You: In all my days I have never seen a more bovine creature. You two are perfect for one another.
Dumb Friend: Thanks!
Bulbous: Shaped like a bulb, bloated.
I like this word because it's gross. There are a few words in the English language that are just flat out disgusting. Up until this point my list consisted of the following words;
1.) Moist
2.) Mound
3.) Digital Meat Thermometer
and introducing
4.) Bulbous!

Go ahead and do a little word association with other people. Ask them the first thing they think of when they hear the word bulbous. I guarantee it will be something disgusting or inappropriate.

Real Life Usage:
You: Hey, look at this...
Friend: Oh my God! That's disgusting!
You: Do you think it should be that bulbous?

**On a side note I checked out the "Customer's who bought this also bought..." section of this blog on Amazon and it turns out that you folks tend to read some pretty risque prose. I always knew this blog had some of the sexier readers out there. :)

If you enjoy this blog I encourage you to check out some of my other humor writing. "When I Feel Doomed: Vol 1" is available hot and fresh in the Kindle store.**

tmesis

Tmesis
1.) In grammar and rhetoric, the seperation of the parts of a compound word, now generally done for humorous effect; for example, "what place soever" instead of whatsoever place, or abso-bloody-lutely.

Words like this blow me away. Just when a fellow starts to think he has a grip on things, that he knows up from down and the world spins around the sun, someone springs a word like this on him and throws everything into confusion. Birds start falling out of the sky, Pluto loses it's planetary status, and the Zodiac signs change for anyone born later than 2010. I mean, dancing bananas! Words like this drive me in-friggin-sane. Oh superb. That's just fan-friggin-tastic. Now I'm doing it to. Go on without me. Save yourselves.

Mansuetude

Mansuetude

1. Mildness, gentleness

Origin: Mansuetude derives from the Latin mansuescere, literally "to tame by the hand."

This word has a whole lot of action going on with it and I'm not sure if I love it or hate it. It doesn't even sound like a real word, it sounds like a weird spoonerism someone let slip when they were giving a pep talk, then decided it was clever and rolled with it. I included the origin of the word so you might get an idea of how this word keeps jerking me around. The fact that its literal interpretation means "to tame by the hand" reminds me of some blaxploitation film in which a glorified pimp gives a young hustler a speech about handling women by saying "You need a little less attitude and a little more mansuetude."

de rigueur

de rigueur

duh ri-GUR \  , adjective;

1. Strictly required, as by etiquette, usage, or fashion.

Do you find yourself trying to come across as an arrogant, condescending dick, only to find that people think you're just jovial and friendly? Have you considered trying to sound more French? "De rigueur" is a great word to drop casually in conversation with pompous English majors at the local hipster coffee shop. A word like this will make the creative types scatter and mutter something about "working on a manuscript."

Real Life Usage:
Me: Thanks for inviting me to your party!
Dude: It's not a party, it's my wedding, and I assumed you knew pants were de rigueur.
Me: I am way too drunk to know what your talking about. And the topic of pants are a rather moot point, as you can clearly see I am not wearing any. I lost a bet with the bride's grandmother!
Dude: Clearly.
Me: Now if you will excuse me, it's always been my dream to do the electric slide naked from the waist down.

sockdolager

sockdolager

sok-DOL-uh-jer \  , noun;

1. A decisive reply, argument.

2. Something unusually large, heavy, etc.

3. A heavy, finishing blow.

My research indicates that "sockdolager" is the last word Abraham Lincoln may have heard before being shot. That's kind of a weird fact to be out there, we often spend so much time thinking about our last words when, in a lot of circumstances, it's not our last words that are important but the last words we hear that offer some illumination. It makes me wonder if I would want to know the last words I hear before dying, as opposed to the way I was going to die. Here are some phrases I would not want to be the last thing I heard in my life.

"Dolphins are very friendly."

"Did the one that bit you have a yellow marking on it? It's kind of important."

"Balance this apple on your head and don't move, I want to show you a cool trick."

Dirigible

Dirigible - dir·i·gi·ble [dir-i-juh-buhl, dih-rij-uh-]

 

–noun

1. an airship.

–adjective

2. designed for or capable of being directed, controlled, or steered.

 

This word has been rolling around in my head for a few days now. I've been trying to think of my favorite dirigible, and I've come to a decision. I'm not trying to take anything away from jet airplanes and their ability to fly faster than the speed of sound and shoot missiles, or the jumbo jet that can carry 250 passengers from New York to Los Angeles without refueling, but ultimately they just don't do it for me. Not in the way that a blimp does it for me, at least. Blimps are amazing, and everyone should own one. Or maybe only I should own one. I can't decide. Instead of Facebook or Twitter I could get one of those giant programmable electronic signs for my status updates, so when I'm flying over the local stadium every one will understand that I prefer Oreo Cookies to Soft Batch, and I will have successfully wasted every one's time as well as promoted discussion about cookies.

 

Not only that, but it's pretty much impossible to die in a blimp crash. Even under the most dire circumstances the blimp gets a hole in it and somebody yells, "Oh my God! We're going to crash in like...20 minutes!" and then you just descend slowly and land with a soft thud on the grass.

 

Real Life Usage:

 

Me: Alright dude! I'm outta here!

Friend: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You've been drinking tonight buddy.

Me: What? I only had like...6 Zimas and a wine cooler.

Friend: Friends don't let friends drink and dirigible.

Me: Don't be such a square! I only have to float like 6 blocks.

Friend: Yeah but last time you drank and dirigibled you ended up in Scotland.

Me: Dude that wasn't my fault! My GPS system wasn't updated properly!

Moist

moist

–adjective -er, -est.

1. moderately or slightly wet; damp.

2. (of the eyes) tearful.

3. accompanied by or connected with liquid or moisture.

4. (of the air) having high humidity.

 

I've chosen this word today because I want to make a point. The word moist is the most disgusting word in the english language. Just hearing it makes me feel violated. Use it 5 times today and gross people out.

 

Real Life Usage

 

Dude: Dude! Would you like a piece of cake?

Bro: Hell yeah I would bro!

Dude: Dude this cake is exceedingly moist!

Bro: You know what bro? I think I just lost my appetite.

Hogmanay

Hogmanay hog-muh-NEY \  , noun;

1. a gift given on New Year's Eve.

 

A new year! And we're that much closer to the Mayan Apocolypse. I will be keeping busy in 2011 by maxing out credit cards, making late payments on my car, and avoiding my landlord. I don't see any way this could backfire.

 

Before we get to the real life usage of todays word, I would like to do a quick impression of my cat.

 

"Busy busy day today! So much to do. I need to shed all over the freshly laundered sheets, cough up a hairball, stare out the window for 20 minutes, and then ignore my owner until he starts writing, at which point I will attempt to lay down on his keyboard. Yep! Busy day, nothing could distract me from this...from this...HEY LOOK...STRING!...ARGGHHHHH!"

 

At first I was hesitant of making jokes at the expense of my cat, but then remembered that she only reads Jane Austen and the poetry of Emily Dickinson (My cat is going through a "goth" phase) so no need to worry about her stumbling across this.

 

On to todays usage.

 

Me: Thanks for inviting me to your party! I've left a token of hogmanay on your couch!

Host: Dude, that's vomit.

Me: Happy New Year!

 

 

 

descry

descry dih-SKRY \  , transitive verb;

1. To catch sight of, especially something distant or obscure; to discern.

2. To discover by observation; to detect.

 

No other word in the English language reminds me of big foot and impending shark attacks like "descry". This isn't a word to fumble around with. You need it loaded and cocked in the holster, ready to fire off at any given moment, because by the time you lay this one down on your friends that Big Foot or shark is going to be all up in your face, and from then on it's all flailing limbs and cussing from there. The good news is that your friends, while being torn apart by an angry dolphin, will appreciate your mastery of the English language.

 

Real Life Usage:

Me: Hark! I believe I can descry a shadowy figure riding a galloping horse in the distance travelling our way. Let us sit idly by and appreciate the beauty of this glorious steed!

Friend: Dude that's not any shadowy figure, it's big foot riding a unicorn!

Me, being impaled by unicorn: Arghhhhh!

Friend (video taping with camera phone): Dude, this is going to get so many hits on youtube.