collop

collop

noun:
1. A fold or roll of flesh on the body.

I know that if I drank water instead of Pepsi and used the running shoes I paid to much money for 6 months ago I wouldn’t have to stand in front of my bathroom mirror every morning and pinch the collops around my mid-section. These rolls seem to be showing up in the absence of my metabolism, which was firing on all cylinders just a few short years ago but now seems to have given up the good fight.

I tried giving my metabolism a pep talk by explaining that I’m a man who will never get by on personality alone, but it just seemed to yawn and give me a glassy look as though I was a re-run of a television show it has already seen.

My next tactic included fad diets that involved holding a grapefruit under each armpit all day, or something, I’m not sure how it was supposed to work I didn’t read very closely. I’m not sure if it made me any healthier but it certainly made it harder to eat. When the fad diets failed I returned to my metabolism and took a more aggressive tactic. I’m not sure the yelling and screaming worked, but I burned a lot of calories trying to explain to people I am not insane.

The next approach I’m considering is violence. I plan on beating my metabolism into submission with one of the sneakers I haven’t been using to jog. The irony is not lost on me.

frondescence

 

frondescence

fron-DES-uhns \  , noun;

1.Leafage; foliage.

2.The process or period of putting forth leaves, as a tree, plant, or the like.

 

While watching cartoons growing up I assumed adulthood would be filled with plenty of hilarious hijinx and falling piano's. I also thought I would be spending a lot of time hiding amongst the frondescence, trying to play myself off as a tree while I snuck around on the tips of my toes. As I grow I am happy to report there has only been one occasion in which I have been compelled to disguise myself as a tree and sneak up on a friend, but that's only because he was dressed as a bush. 

 

I am not familiar with the cartoons of today, but I doubt they were as wonderfully mean spirited or violent as the cartoons I grew up with in the 80's. Instead of watching anvils and piano's fall on people's heads kids today are watching a non-denominational multi-national politically correct cartoon teaching them Spanish. 

 

After years and years of lobbying, the politically correct among us have turned cartoons into tools to instill morals into our children. After hours and years spent in front of the television children learn to love one another and celebrate our differences. 

 

Then one of them figures out how to search YouTube for skateboarders doing face plants onto concrete and shares it with his or her friends, resulting in the destruction of everything responsible adults have been working towards.  

 

Some things will just never not be amusing.  

moribund

 Moribund

 

1.in a dying state; near death.

2.on the verge of extinction or termination.

 

Whether being screamed at through the door of a handicapped bathroom stall in a public restroom by a handicapped person or being sprayed by a skunk on my way to the Homecoming dance there have been many times where I have felt moribund in life, as I am sure you have as well. 

 

The most important thing you can do is have an escape plan. There is no way I will ever become less socially awkward. Tripping over objects and sticking my foot in my mouth is simply how I function in society. 

 

I have accepted this completely, and this is why I never enter a room or a car without an escape plan. For example, let's say you are sitting in the back seat of a convertible describing the one night stand you had at the party last night. After 20 minutes the guy you don't know very well in the front passenger seat reveals the girl of whom you are describing in great detail is his sister. Awkward situation? Yes, but not if you remember to bring your para-sail. Rip the cord and leap from the vehicle, air velocity should take carry you to safety assuming you don't get dragged under the tired of an 18-wheeler.  

churlish

churlish

CHUR-lish \  , adjective;

1.Boorish or rude.

2.Of a churl; peasantlike.

3.Stingy; mean.

4.Difficult to work or deal with, as soil.

 

I find I am my most churlish in the morning, which I define as any time before 2 pm. 

 

It isn't that I dislike morning so much as I don't appreciate the obligations morning brings. For example, being expected to "wake up" and "go to work" is a nuisance I could do without. I would enjoy mornings much more if I could move from my bed to my couch, or from my bed to another bed in an adjacent room. This would not only make me much easier to deal with, but it would dramatically improve the happiness of those around me. 

 

A good, long, hot shower tends to wash the churlishness away, but not far enough away that it forgets where I am. It waits outside the steamy heaven for me in the form of cold tiles and November air. Being cold is sure to make me difficult, but so is being too hot, so I suppose that's a wash. 

  

Commuting doesn't help me with my churlishness either. Having to slam on my brakes randomly because the woman driving in front of me decided it was crucial she merge into my lane at the very moment I was trying to take a sip of tea frustrates me to the point where I don't know if I want to cuss at her or cuss at my tea. This results in a generic sputtering sound that must make me look insane to anyone who happens to see me through my car window. 

 

By the time I arrive at work I have such a good churl going there is no hope for the day 

serry

serry

SER-ee \  , verb;

1.To crowd closely together.

 

As I stand in the twilight of my twenties I tend to reflect on the places I've been and the places I intend to go. As I look forward I notice most of the rooms tend to be a little less crowded, which does not bother me, as I hope to be living in a place where I can wear sandals all year round and I would prefer avoiding having my toes stepped on by angry drunk college kids with too much testosterone and too much hope for the future. 

 

While many people, women in particular, view the age of 30 as a pending nuclear disaster that will send them diving under school desks (although lets be frank, our expanding waistlines prevent us from fitting under desks like we used to) I tend to view 30 as a sweet spot. 

 

The early twenties have too many hopes and ambitions crowded into one brain. The twenty-something intends to conquer the world and make their millions within a few short years. I spent so much time chasing my tail, and the tails of other more attractive twenty-somethings, that I have accomplished nothing. 

 

I have more likelihood of success now not because I am older and wiser, but because I am starting to learn exactly what I am incapable of.  

dipsomania

dipsomania

\dip-suh-MEY-nee-uh\ , noun;

1.An irresistible, typically periodic craving for alcoholic drink.

 

I've been feeling a small bout of dipsomania myself lately. The truth is I haven't had a drink in over three full months and it's starting to worry me. The only people who go an extended period of time without a drink are people battling an addiction to alcohol, therefore I feel it is crucial to get unnecessarily drunk to prove to myself I am not an alcoholic. 

 

It's this kind of rock solid logic that has gotten me into the position I am in life, although whether that is a good thing or a bad thing remains to be seen. In the event I find out my current situation is for the greater good then I suggest we break out the champagne bottles in celebration. However, if it comes to be known I have in fact painted myself in a corner, so to speak, then let us break out the bottles of Jager, tip a cow over, and forget why we are standing in this field in Pennsylvania in the first place. 

stertor

stertor

\STUR-ter\ , noun;

1.A heavy snoring sound.

 

Snoring is a problem that I am happy to report I do not suffer from, although my sympathies go out to those who my snoring keeps awake. They are the true victims here. I try explaining to girlfriends my snoring is solved with a simple remedy. All you need to do to stop a person from snoring is to clap once, loudly. This usually shocks the sleeping party from their heavy stertor and provides a respite from  the noise. 

If this does not suffice I simply request to be rolled over onto my side, a sure way to cease the sawing of logs. More than one girlfriend has taken this approach with gusto, and I've found myself on many occasions waking up on the floor, with an angry girlfriend peering over the side of the bed, a glimmer in her eye. 

"What did you do that for!" I shout groggily.

"You're right. Rolling you over works. You're not snoring anymore."

 

 

anoesis

anoesis

\an-oh-EE-sis\ , noun;

1.A state of mind consisting of pure sensation or emotion without cognitive content.

This is kind of how I feel whenever I see pictures of kittens or puppies. It's not something I'm proud of, being a 28 year old male I expect a little more of myself, but no matter what is going on if you flash a picture of a cute animal (puppies and kittens are the worst) my mind completely empties and my brain is overcome with thoughts of cuddles and fluff. 

This is not a quality unique to me. It consumes nearly every person who loves fluffy animals, and this is why I tried talking the pet store in my college town into letting me borrow a puppy for the afternoon. I didn't actually want to own a dog (as cute as they are I don't like cleaning up a load of dog crap off the rug) but I wouldn't mind taking something small, cute and fluffy for a walk. I was just trying to help them out. 

I think they caught on to the fact I was also planning on using the puppies to meet girls. Somehow all of my shortcomings are dulled by puppy breath. Just try to say no to dinner with a guy with the Golden Retriever puppy. You can't do it. Sure, by the third date she will start to wonder exactly how many different dogs I actually have, but having too many dates is a problem I am willing to deal with.

It would also be interesting to figure out what kind of puppies attracted what kind of girls. Do sporty girls prefer Labs? What kind of dogs would Asian twins like? Would I have to have two dogs?

Unfortunately the pet store never allowed me to conduct such research, and I've had to fall back on my personality. The puppy would be far more preferable.

ferly

ferly

\FER-lee\ , noun;

1.Something unusual, strange, or causing wonder or terror.

2.Astonishment; wonder.

3.Unexpected; strange; unusual.

 

Whether the locker room or on the beach, people always seem to have surprises up their sleeve, or in their shorts, or on their backs, more appropriately. It's strange really, walking around fully clothed all day and then getting to the beach, where it is completely acceptable for men and women to prance around in next to nothing. There are good points, such as women playing volleyball in teeny tiny bikini bottoms, and there are bad points, such as men who also chose to wear a pair of bikini bottoms. These are the ferly visuals one must fight through if one wishes to appreciate the beauty of women.

The locker room is another extremely ferly place. I don't know what it's like in the women's locker room, although I've researched plenty of movies, but the men's locker room is a far, far less sexier place. There is always one guy, between the ages of 70 and 71, who just won't be happy until you get a good long look at his balls. You can't avoid them, oh no. They are swinging around the room when you head to the gym, and they are there swinging around when you get back to hit the shower. 

Are older men more comfortable being naked and don't notice how ferly it is seeing their bits and pieces on display? Even if one were to make the "More comfortable" argument there is no reason for the extended periods of time these men spend naked in the locker room. 

 

Unless they have some kind of ferly vendetta against me? This is the only reasonable explanation. At some point I've upset this man, and the only way he feels he can get even is by putting his leg up on the bench when I'm tying my shoes and having a conversation with me about his grand kids. 

 

Well two can play at this game! I'm referring to human beings now, not a set of balls, although that would be apt too. 

recrimination

recrimination

\rih-krim-uh-NAY-shuhn\ , noun;

1.The act of returning one charge or accusation with another.

2.An accusation brought by the accused against the accuser; a counter accusation.

 

While he who smelt it, dealt it, it's also important to understand that whoever denied it, supplied it. 

 

We will stand accused of many things in life, and will do well to remember the best defense is a good offense. I've found shouting also helps. At dinner you're friend Bob might enjoy a few jokes at your expense. Bob thought your girlish reaction to touching a bass caught during the boy's fishing trip last summer in the Keys, so Bob is regaling everyone at the table with his best impression of you. Everyone seems to really be enjoying it, and the only one at the dinner table who isn't laughing is you. One person is shooting beer out of their nose, while another woman is screaming "OMG STOP IT I AM GOING TO PEE MY PANTS!" 

This is the part where you stand up and shout "Yeah! Well! Bob is having an affair!" That will bring the laughter to a screeching halt and move the focus from your effeminate behavior to Bob's extramarital affairs. Does it matter Bob isn't actually having an affair? Not at all! Recrimination doesn't have to be true, it just has to be a good counter accusation. Perhaps you'll luck out and actually guess right. Perhaps Bob has been having a secret affair over the past year he thought no one knew about. Then Bob will have to pay you $10,000 in hush money. Isn't recrimination fun?

dissolute

dissolute

\DIS-uh-loot\ , adjective;

1.Loose in morals and conduct; marked by indulgence in sensual pleasures or vices.

 

I wish this word rolled off the tongue a bit easier, because it encompasses all of the qualities I search for in a woman. Loose morals AND indulgence in sensual pleasures? Are you free this weekend? No? What about right now in this broom closet? 

Unfortunately it sounds like an insulting word with it's hissing SS's and general condescension. It's a shame such words sound so judgemental when they promise so much fun. Much like the lovely onomatopoeia dissolute somehow sounds exaclty like what it is. If it sounded like a bit more fun then maybe more people would want to act in a dissolute fashion. 

Take the word cuddle, for example. Cuddle is an adorable word, and I believe it is due to this that everyone loves cuddling. But if I were referred to as a man behaving in a dissolute fashion I would feel like I needed to say 5 Hail Mary's and flog myself. 

In conclusion, we do not need to cease living lives of excess and hedonism, we just need to come up with cuter words to describe it.

Frowsy

Frowsy
\FROW-zee\ , adjective; 

1. Habitually unkempt.


Being unkempt is one thing. But to make a habit out of it? That's commitment. Everyone can appreciate how hard it is to develop a habit. I've been attempting to save a percentage of my income for years and somehow always fall up short. Same thing goes for packing my lunches, going to the gym, and saying something nice to someone everyday, these are all things I've tried and failed to make a habit out of. 


So I stand here in great awe of the man who has made a habit out of looking sloppy and is able to do so on a regular basis. It's hard work looking like you've just rolled out of bed 5 minutes ago. Hats off to the frowsy, who sacrifice dignity for consistency. 


Frankly I'm jealous.I envy the man who wakes up every day and isn't bothered with the thought of pants. I dream of all the free time I would have if I didn't have to spend it ironing shirts. I would probably spend it rolling around on a pull out sofa, putting the perfect amount of wrinkles into a shirt to let everyone know I truly have nothing going on in my life. 


While I quietly judge the frowsy among us, they have the last laugh. I congratulate myself for being so well put together and making such a splendid first impression, whereas upon meeting me the frowsy merely think "You weren't important enough to change into a shirt without mustard stains on it."

pica

pica

\PAHY-kuh\ , noun;

1.An abnormal appetite or craving for substances that are not fit to eat.

 

Part of me is really happy that I know the origins of Pokemon's main characters name, Pica Chu. On the other hand the greater part of me, the part that consists of my masculinity, is wildly dissapointed. I also look forward to sharing the meaning of Pica with someone very soon, but don't know how to shoehorn my knowledge of Pokemon into a conversation without seeming creepy. 

Sometimes it's best to just remain quiet if you want your friend's to feel safe with their children around you.

woolgathering

woolgathering

\WOOL-gath-(uh)-ring\ , adjective;

1.Indulgence in idle daydreaming.

 

There are those of us with a tendancy of spacing out at the most innapropriate moments in time. To people who don't spend excssive amounts of time woolgathering reactions can range from bemusement to perplexion to outright anger. 

Women in particular do not appreciate this apparent lack of auditory attention, particularly when they are explaining to us what improvements need to be made in order to make us more socially acceptable. For the record I firmly believe that it is my right to walk around my house naked if I so desire, regardless of who is coming to dinner. 

What the more grounded among us seem to not quite understand is the absolute neccessity of our daydreaming. For example, the other day I spent a good amount of time wondering exactly how to fight off a shark in less than 5 feet of water. Or how to fend off an angry bear using only ones wits and a spatula. While these circumstances seem improbable they are not altogether unlikely. There are 6 billion people on Earth and nearly three times as many bears, it's bound to happen at some point. 

During these periods of woolgathering, which can occasionally last up to six weeks, it is best not to interrupt us, particularly while we are driving. We tend to be anxious and startle easily, there is no need to bother us with the boring details of your day just because we're "married".

aesopian

aesopian

\ee-SOH-pee-uhn\ , adjective;

1.Conveying meaning by hint, euphemism, innuendo, or the like.

2.Pertaining to, or characteristic of Aesop or his fables.

Perhaps one of the most difficult languages to understand is that of "business speak". It is a language which allows the speaker to simultaneously be an incredible dick while remaining non confrontational and avoiding responsibility for the implied action.

Business speak is proof that we haven't yet evolved as a species. To be fair we've made a lot of progress. The wheel was impressive, and the creation of fire is second to none, but with such glorious advances as the toaster oven comes your bosses implication that an hour lunch break should last 45 minutes. 

"Not that it really matters if you take a full hour. But Jerry doesn't take a full hour, he doesn't even take a half an hour, and look how fast Jerry is moving up. Look at that nice new headset Jerry has. Isn't that nice? It's only 5 years old. Jerry works hard and is rewarded. You work hard too! But, you know, what are you going to do with an hour in the middle of the day?  Go to the gym? I feel like people who go to the gym on their lunch break are showing off. Not you of course, you're not showing off, but other people who do the very same thing you do, they're showing off. 

An hour is fine. Or 45 minutes. Whatever. It gives people time to talk. The longer you're not around, the more time people have to talk...."

People might as well speak Mandarin for all the sense I can make of these aesopian accusations and veiled threats. I'll need an hour and a half lunch tomorrow just to diagram the kinds of conversations had with people around the office.

nebulize

nebulize

\NEB-yuh-lahyz\ , verb;

1.To become vague, or indistinct.

There are abilities every married man and woman should become savvy in. The art of nebulization is one of them. Women attempt to know everything, and men assume they already do. In order to save relationships one must learn the basics of nebulization. It's a subtle art of lying in which one allows another party to assume the details for themselves. These assumptions go a long way in avoiding trouble.

A man might attend a certain kind of place where young girls have fundraisers for college by pretending to be interested in him for $20. Also, she is naked. When this man comes home from the fundraiser he certainly cannot tell his wife, because women hate charity. He therefore must explain away being covered in glitter by letting the wife assume he was witness to a tragic clown car accident and helped the paramedics give the clown mouth to mouth resuscitation. Also, the clowns were naked. 

rapine

rapine

RAP-in\ , intransitive verb;

1.The act of plundering; the seizing and carrying away of another's property by force.

 

For those who don't feel like the simple act of plundering just isn't enough, a word like rapine comes along and gives us all a reason to rape and pillage with renewed enthusiasm.

Aphorism

Aphorism - A terse saying embodying a general truth, or astute observation.

It does not matter how much a person resembles Sasquatch, or that every time he (or she) speaks all you can imagine them saying is "Fe Fi Fo Fum" and at any given moment you fear they will grab you by the waist and climb to the top of the nearest sky scraper to swat at helicopters. A person so large and rotund you wonder if they arrive to work by beanstalk.

Sure, these little aphorisms might apply to the person and fit them like a brand new moo-moo, but these are not polite things to say. We must always remember that. Just because it's true, and we want nothing more than to put someone in their place, we are grown ups. AT least until you put your two weeks in. Then that person better keep their tone in check lest you be forced to resort the Microsoft Word file you've been keeping on your desk top full of insults for everyone.

gazump

gazump

1.To cheat by raising the price, at the time a contract is to be signed, over the amount originally agreed upon.

 

In a never ending effort to increase their bottom line stores have made it more and more difficult for you to make a purchase without spending an extra $50 on things you never knew you needed. Upon purchasing an XBox recently it was highly recommended to me that I purchase a protection plan for the system, 

 

"Just in case it stops working."

"But it shouldn't 'just stop working.'" I replied. "In fact, I would say the reason I'm buying it brand new, from a store as reputable as yours, is so it won't 'just stop working.' Is this machine going to just stop working?" 

"Well of course not sir. But it might. That's why I recommend this $50 protection plan! If you buy this, we'll fix it for you."

"And if I don't buy the plan, and the device you sold me stops working...you won't replace it even though you sold me defective merchandise?"

"Of course we will sir! We'll just give you a really hard time about it."

Ah, I see! So a stores gazumption lies in their preference for charging customers for services that they already handle anyway. Well played, big business. Well played.

cavalcade

cavalcade

kav-uhl-KAYD; KAV-uhl-kayd\ , noun;

1.A procession of riders or horse-drawn carriages.

2.Any procession.

3.A sequence; a series.

 

Cavalcade is simply a fun word to use, and can be used in so many situations. Your day at the Zoo could be a cavalcade of fun just as easily as your night at the bar could have  been a cavalcade of bad decisions. Either way they included a stolen giraffe and being thrown bodily from a public place. Not only can you "have" a cavalcade but you can also be a part of one. I feel like if you ever find yourself as a part of a cavalcade you will be part of a large group on horseback or unicycles. "The Renegade Unicyclists" might be your cavalcade name. Nobody would actually be scared of you because let's face it, all you would need is a light push and you would be flat on the ground. 

I think we need to keep kids out of gangs and in more cavalcades.

remunerate

remunerate

\rih-MYOO-nuh-rate\ , transitive verb;

1.To pay an equivalent to for any service, loss, or expense; to recompense.

2.To compensate for; to make payment for.

In Ohio it is illegal to drive without car insurance. Ultimately this is a good thing, as it forced people to be financially responsible in the event they are at fault for a car accident. The only catch is that insurance companies really enjoy taking my money but do not enjoy giving any of it back when I file a claim. Not only that, but if I actually were to file a claim, they would simply raise the amount of money I need to give them every month. I wish I had life figured out the way insurance companies have getting my money figured out. 

It's the only product that you buy it in hopes of never having to use it. It's certainly the only product I can think of that if you do use it, they actually give you a hard time and raise the price of it. It's like buying a bottle of water and the clerk saying "Well the bottled water is $1, but if you're actually going to drink it then it's $1.25." 

I walked outside one morning on my way to work and found my passenger side window has been busted out and my GPS stolen from my glove box. You can imagine how thrilled I was to finally have an excuse to use my car insurance. The joke was on me.

"Glass? Oh, we don't cover that."
"But I have been paying for this car insurance for over 12 years now without ever filing a claim!"
"Well yeah we cover damages to your car, but not that part of it. And by the way, it sounds like you're living in a pretty dangerous area...we better update your policy to note that. You might see an increase in rates."

Well played Insurance companies. Well played.

abject

abject

\ab-JEKT\ , adjective;

1.Utterly hopeless, miserable, humiliating, or wretched.

2.Contemptible; despicable.

 

Man talk about a word that really needs a pep talk. You can be hopeless and miserable if you'd like but to also be wretched? Come on now let's not keep all the synonyms to ourselves, there are a lot of pathetic people out there who want to be contemptible as well. Reading this definition actually felt like more of a lecture than a simple entry in the dictionary. I won't lie. I'm actually depressed. I'm going to have to go look at adorable pictures of animals on the Internet or something to cheer me back up again.

usufruct

usufruct

\YOO-zoo-fruhkt\ , noun;

1.The right to use the property of another as long as it isn't damaged.

 

Don't bother trying to say this word without sounding German, in fact, don't even say this word around a group of German's lest they believe you are mocking their accent. 

Additionally, this word annoys me due to it's presumption of using another person's belongings. We've all known the guy who wasn't shy about "borrowing" something without returning it. I think it should go without saying that when I lend an item to a person it's their responsibility to return it to me before I actually have to ask them 5 times. Do you hear me out there all you Usufructers (See how German that sounds!?)? I shouldn't be having to show up at your homes in the dark of night and sneak in through the kitchen window in order to get back the salad tongs I lent you for a cookout in 2004.

Foofaraw

Foofaraw - excessive or flashy ornamentation.

Dating in the time of the caveman was difficult. You had to find a good solid wooden club, walk ten miles to another village, club a woman over the head, then walk 10 miles back without being caught by her tribe and murdered. Dating during the 1950's was challenging, but with a much lower chance of being speared by an arrow. Girls liked the guys with cars and guys liked the girls with no morals.

Dating in the new millennium is near impossible. There is too much competition, and I don't just mean competing with other guys. I mean there are girls who would prefer to be single and have the Internet and an iPhone rather than a boyfriend. My job as a soul mate has been outsourced by a computer company and gossip magazines. All I'm looking for is someone to love. A girl who will bring out my best qualities while ignoring the fact that I occasionally pee in the sink.

Here is a good tip for those of you out there looking for love. You have to dress in a way that catches the eye of potential suitors. Take a page out of the book of the peacock. This is the reason, when I go out, I cluck like a bird and stare at people with one eye.

If this doesn't work I take a different page out of the book of peacock and incorporate a little foofaraw in my wardrobe. This is done by wearing an earring, or a necklace. Something that can be used as a conversation piece. This can also be done by duct taping a road cone to the top of your head but remember, not all attention is good attention.

Sobriquet

Sobriquet - a nickname

A sobriquet is typically a term of endearment. When a girl adores me she might refer to me as “Chadley” or “Chadwicke” or “Fluffy McCuddlebuttons”. On occasion, though, nicknames can  take a more sinister turn. You see, dear reader, some people are not polite. They chew with their mouth open, kick the back of your seat in theaters, and generally want to hurt your feelings. They have the worst of intentions and would enjoy nothing more than to provide you with a less than flattering nickname. In order to avoid being the unhappy recipient of an unfortunate nickname certain precautions should be taken, particularly around other people. For example, when you buy a coffee at a hip bistro, be sure to use your mouth to drink the coffee, as opposed to removing the lid and dumping the coffee directly upon your face, lest you become known as “Coffee Face”. When you get dressed to go out in public, be sure to remove the pants from the hanger before putting them on, or people might start calling you Hanger Pants. Nobody wants to be known as Hanger Pants. If jogging is your hobby, be sure to stick to roads and sidewalks. DO NOT run off any cliffs. If you survive, you will always be known as “Cliff.” If you’re name is already Cliff then this does not apply to you, feel free to fall off a cliff if you want.

toothsome

toothsome

\TOOTH-suhm\ , adjective;

1.Pleasing to the taste; delicious; as, "a toothsome pie."

2.Agreeable; attractive; as, "a toothsome offer."

3.Sexually attractive.

 

Toothsome is probably the least sexy word that means sexy I have heard in my entire life. Making it even creepier is the fact that it could refer to a cheesecake just as easily as a woman. If I were to describe something using the word toothsome you would have no idea if I were referring to a busty blond is a black dress and high heels or desert at Applebee's. 

This little word of the day is toothsome, just as the girl on the deck of Shooter's was toothsome, who was toothsome like a slice of cherry pie I had for breakfast this morning. 

I'm not one to spread rumors, particularly about certain adjectives, but for a word that means sexy, toothsome really tends to get around...

aporia

aporia

\uh-PAWR-ee-uh\ , noun;

1.Difficulty determining the truth of an idea due to equally valid arguments for and against it.

2.In rhetoric, the expression of a simulated or real doubt, as about where to begin or what to do or say.

 

There are occasions where I am not confident in the direction I should take. On these exceedingly rare occasions I seek the advice of a person whom I believe to be well educated on the subject of my quandary. I am giving you this advice in hopes that you might avoid the same pain I have. For if you truly want advice, or a sage answer about life or love, just ask a stupid person. Truly stupid people are the only happy people I know. 

They never read the newspaper, so the state of the world never weighs upon their merry. They are as easily amused by getting dressed up and watching a live performance of Hamlet as they are by a re-run of Jerry Springer. To them, it is one and the same. Every experience is like chocolate ice cream to them, and they live life at a steady pace of durr that is only interrupted on occasion to wipe the spit from the corners of their mouth. 

If you ask someone who is engaged with life, and has thoughts and opinions, you're going to have to get into a deep philosophical discussion about everything. Whether it be marriage - the appropriate age, time, who, where and whether or not it is even socially relevant to get married or just what kind of appetizer you should get - they'll wax existential about Jalapeno Poppers and use the Socratic Method to argue for the onion rings. 

By the time the person is done giving you advice you'll be completely bewildered and in such aporia you'll be more confused than when you started, and you'll forget what the question was in the first place. 

deciduous

deciduous

 dih-SIJ-oo-uhs\ , adjective;

1.Falling off or shed at a particular season, stage of growth, etc.

 

Some of my favorite moments in my day come from misunderstandings. Overhearing the wrong part of a conversation, or walking into a conversation at just the wrong moment. Overhearing the cashier at the supermarket telling the elderly gentlemen he is going to start getting some as soon as his wife leaves town, only to realize later they were talking about hobbies, well, that just makes my heart swell with joy and happiness. 

I had the same experience reading the definition of deciduous for the first time. Upon initial glance I mistakenly believed it meant to fall off a shed, as opposed to simply shedding, and had a charming little visual of people tumbling from sheds all over the country. I had no idea why they were on top of the shed in the first place, and to be honest I didn't care to know why, all that was important to me was people continue to fall from sheds. 

After careful consideration, and much to my disappointment, I realized that deciduous simply implies an act of falling off, or shedding, as in trees or leaves. I suppose it makes more sense that way, although I don't want it to.

yarely

yarely

\YAIR-lee\ , adveb;

1.With quickness or agility.

 

Yarely made the cut because it sounds rather pirate-y, and I love me a nice pirate-y word. Thinking about pirates makes me think about that weird "Arrrghhhh!" accent though. Where, exactly, did that come from? Most of these men, I'm assuming, were born on land, and therefore at least started out with some sort of regional dialect, whether it be British, Asian, or Swedish. Once they hit the open sea, however, they were all "Walk the plank" and "Shiver me timbers!" without a hint of where they came from. I find it baffling. Pirates are the only ones who have ever made up their own accent and to be honest, I'm kind of jealous. 

 

Pirates don't really strike me as the yarely type, though. In fact the entire reason I would want to become a pirate is so I could avoid having to move with any quickness or agility. People who want to escape, those are people who need quickness and agility. 

 

All you need when you're a pirate is a bottle of rum and a confused accent. 

malversation

malversation

\mal-vur-SAY-shun\ , noun;

1.Misconduct, corruption, or extortion in public office.

 

I like a word that stands the test of time. Whether you're reading this in 2011 or 2096 you will be able to apply this term to one person or another in public office. Lets not waste our energy on the current scandals going on, as there will be new malversations going on within the next few months, and what we think of as shocking now will seem like old hat in a short period of time.

I consider myself a centrist, because both sides of the political aisle are totally insane and I enjoy being in a place where I can make fun of either one of them. What I don't understand is why these elected officials can't keep their pants on during their short period of time in elected office. I can understand a little bribery, greed is a universal characteristic of man directly correlated to his amount of power, but just because you got 52% of the vote doesn't give you a mandate to walk around humping everything that isn't tied down (or things that are tied down, if you're in to that).

A plea to the future elected officials. Lower taxes, fix the potholes, and if you can't keep it in your pants at least keep it off the Internet. 

God Bless America.

Orison

Orison - A prayer

We all need a prayer on occasion. A job interview, getting behind the wheel of a car after three and a half beers, walking down the aisle. But in today's politically correct world one is met with derision if you flat out ask a person to speak with God on your behalf. It takes so long to hash out what you mean by "prayer" that the wedding is already over and the marriage is heading for disaster. Ask a group of people for a prayer before you go over Niagara Falls in a barrel and someone is bound to correct you with a

"Um. Excuse me. I'm sorry I can't pray for you. I mean I'm spiritual and everything, I'm just not religious."

This disagreement lends bravery to all the other agnostics in the crowd, and the last thing you hear before tumbling over the Niagara is a debate breaking out between Darwinists, Christians, and proponents of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. So if you are in a pinch and need some good energy just request an orison. It may go against your beliefs, but it will just be easier that way.

Lucubrate

LUCUBRATE - 1. To work, write, or study laboriously, especially at night. 2. To write learnedly.

At first I thought this word was "lubricate" and was mildly disgusted. Upon further lucubration I realized this word was all right after all. It's a word just like any other words, except it got mixed up with the wrong crowd, words like lubricate, which make some pretty inappropriate insinuations.

On the one hand you could lucubrate deep into the night, perhaps putting the final touches on the Next Great American Novel (or the Next Great Estonian Novel, if you happen to be writing for the citizens of Estonia), on the other hand if you're lubricating deep into the night chances are you aren't putting the final touches on anything, in fact anything you even try to touch you just slide right off it.

So if you've been lucubrating I'd like to shake you're hand. If you've been lubricating I will be happy to wave to you as I pass by.

pangram

pangram

\PAN-gruhm\ , noun;

1.A sentence, verse, etc., that includes all the letters of the alphabet.

 

There are people out there who are into all sorts of different things. Some people dress up like animals and go out in public, they're called "Furries" and I won't be going into some of the details of the things they do. You can Google it, but I don't recommend Googling it at work, if you understand my drift. There are people who are into Star Trek role playing games. I'm not judging, I'm just stating what these people are into (although let's face it, there are certain things that, when stated out loud or put into the written word, come pre-packaged with a hint of judgements that cannot be avoided due to the very nature of the activities). 

 

There are also people who are into pangrams, and I suppose I know which of the three I would prefer walking in on my children doing. I guess sports, girls, the Internet, video games and 957 television stations just aren't enough for some people. They need to sit around and write out sentences like "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." 

Well you know what? I'm not impressed.

aubade

aubade

\oh-BAHD\ , noun;

1.A song or poem greeting the dawn; also, a composition suggestive of morning.

 

I myself am not one for poetry, and even if I were I assure you I wouldn't waste the words or paper on something as irritating as the rising sun. I've come to understand there are "morning people" out there, although I've never met one seeing as how I am never awake during this period of time and if a person assures me they themselves are a morning person I eye with with great suspicion because honestly, what kind of person wakes up intentionally before the sun? To make matters even more annoying they aren't even waking up to drink or attend a party. It's usually to go "running" or just generally get an "early start to the day." 

I think they're lying. There is no way a person wakes up at 5 am to go running. They're just telling us this because they know we will never bother to check up on them.

Bedaub

Bedaub

1. To smudge over; to besmear or soil with anything thick and dirty.
2. To over decorate, to ornament showily or excessively.

I am not a person who loves Christmas. Every year I try to get in the spirit of things and every year I just end up under an enormous pile of blankets yelling at people about the cold.

This is not about that, though. This is about Christmas lights and whether you like the skinny ones or the fat ones. Is it wrong that I quietly judge people who bedaub their homes with fat, bulbous Christmas lights? It's not that I hate the fat lights so much as I don't understand why you would choose them when you know the skinny lights are available.

Neglecting the use of the skinny Christmas lights in favor of the Fat lights is spitting in the face of technological evolution, and Christmas is about nothing if not about technology* that will be outdated within the year (hey, just in time for next Christmas!).

If you use the Fat lights you may as well go back to putting real candles on the tree and living in a log cabin without plumbing. It's that serious. So 7 months from now while your decorating the house with your family let's keep it classy with the skinny lights - it will save me from having to make inaccurate character judgements about the inhabitants of your lovely home.

Splenetic

 Splenetic - Irritable, peevish, spiteful

What is it about being crabby on occassion that provides me with such a great sense of satisfaction? I used to think I envied people wiht a sunny disposition but to be honest I'm starting to feel a little bad for them. They'll never know the joy of giving a backhanded compliment, an icy stare, or even letting the elevator doors close despite hearing a person you don't particularly care for shuffling their stupid, oafish feet toward the elevator.

It's not their fault though, their brains produce too much serotonin to fully enjoy life the way it was intended.

premonish

premonish

\ pri-MON-ish \  , verb;

1.To warn beforehand.

 

As a good friend you are there to serve as a rock for the people you love. You are there to give them advice when they seek counsel, a shoulder to cry on, or premonishment when they need forewarned of impending doom. On occasion, you're friend might inform you of their intent to follow through with a certain action potentially causing  them moderate bodily injury, extreme social awkwardness and embarrassment, or otherwise general stupidity. These situations are ripe for your premonishing wisdom yet for some reason you hold back your thoughts and opinions because sometimes personal entertainment at the expense of the people you love trumps your unparalleled clarity and understanding of how events will unfold. 

 

So when your friend, the one who can't tie his own shoe without falling over, informs you of his desire to take up snowboarding, you need not feel guilty about holding back your thoughts. You are free to sip hot cocoa with the other snow bunnies in the heated lodge while watching him tumble to the bottom of the mountain. That's what friends are for. 

incommodious

incommodious

in-kuh-MOH-dee-uhs\ , adjective;

1. Inconvenient, as not affording sufficient space or room; uncomfortable.

 

Let us consider for a moment driving, more specifically the act of merging into another lane. My commute home from work requires me to merge into the right lane in order to access the on ramp to the high way. I've learned there are certain people whose main goal is to prevent me from doing just the very merge needed to get home to my tivo in a prompt fashion. I'm not sure what's going on in there life, but losing a car length is not an option for them. I used to be patient and wait for a person who feels in control of there life enough that they might let me over as opposed to the individual who feels so out of control that the one and only thing they are able to do in their day is prevent me from changing lanes, giving them some sort of Lordly satisfaction. 

The blink blink blink of my turn signal used to be a request. An incessant "Please? Please? Please?" while I held up traffic. Over time, my turn signal has evolved from a request into a statement. When the blinker starts flashing I'm not letting other drivers know I am trying to merge. I let them know I AM merging, whether they like it or not. My sister, with whom I carpool, gave me sage advice. 

"Wait until someone with a nice car is coming up behind you, if you cut them off they will do everything they can to avoid hitting you." 

Wiser words have never graced my ears.

Purlieu

purlieu

\ PUR-loo \  , noun;

1.A place where one may range at large; confines or bounds.

2.A person's haunt or resort.

 

Your mansion, house, apartment, shanty, cardboard box or purlieu in general can say a lot about your personality. Chances are if you have a guitar and a large music collection you're a musician. Paint supplies? You're dealing with an artist. Just as guitars and easels say something about you and yours, my  purlieu also says something about me - I'm poor. 

 

You might notice by the mismatching furniture, the tube television, or the empty Ramen containers strewn about. Needless to say, it all leads to the same place. Which is a shame really, because I have the most beautiful banker in the world. I mean really, she is as cute as a button. But there is simply no way that she would ever go out with me. After all, she has access to my bank accounts. You can't flirt your way out of an over draft fee. 

 

Although my purlieu is nothing fancy, nothing to show off or brag about, it is where I am able to write to you from, and that's enough for me. 

dandle

dandle

\ DAN-dl \  , verb;

1.To move (a baby, child, etc.) lightly up and down, as on one's knee or in one's arms.

2.To pet; pamper.

 

Dandling a baby seems like a delicate activity, and I'm not quite sure I'm up for the task. It isn't as though I wouldn't like to do it. I'm sure I would seem quite charming to single women if I were caught dandling, so long as they understood the child was only a temporary ornament. I'll cut right to it and say that it's really an issue of droppage. It may sound immature but honestly, do you let everyone drive your brand new car on the first day you've bought it? Of course you don't. Why should you act any differently with your brand new human being? 

 

Further, what do I do with my cigarette while dandling? I can't keep it in my mouth, my hands are holding the baby, should the baby hold the cigarette? I'll bet you didn't think dandling would be so complicated, eh? But that's just my nature. Identify all probable outcomes in order to best avoid responsibility. 

nostrum

nostrum

\ NOS-truhm \  , noun;

1.A medicine of secret composition and unproven or dubious effectiveness; a quack medicine.

2.A usually questionable remedy or scheme; a cure-all.

 

Certain types of people will tell you the best way to avoid a hangover is to not drink at all. These types of people are rarely invited to parties. It's the same kind of advice as abstinence is the only 100% reliable form of birth control.  It's theoretically sound, but in the end you just end up screwing yourself. 

 

Other, more alcoholic people offer more tangible nostrums for hangovers with little scientific evidence to back up their claims. One acquaintance of mine swears by Diet Coke and bacon, even going so far as to break her Lentil promise of giving up Pop (or soda, if you're a soda sayer) in order to cure an obstinate hangover effecting both her head and stomach. That might be good for her, but some of us might not want to anger Almighty Being's in order to get rid of a headache. 

 

Another nostrum, one that has apparently been proven by the scientific community, is drinking a glass of water between every alcoholic beverage consumed. If you were to tell me that I should trade the shot of Jagger in my hand for a glass of water I would laugh at you. Then I might try to fight you, because Jagger makes a person crazy. 

 

I suppose there is no good way to cure a hangover, but I will continue my scientific research into this quandary tonight at the bar and report back my findings. Let us reflect on the words of Thomas Edison, who said of getting drunk and trying to find the cure for hang overs, "I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward". Truer words were never spoken.

vituperation

vituperation

\ vy-too-puh-RAY-shuhn, -tyoo- \  , noun;

1.The act or an instance of speaking abusively to or about.

2.Sustained and severely abusive language.

 

What is it about cussing that makes me so happy? The birth of a child, conversation with friends, a coy look from a loved one across a crowded room. These things are all nice, but none provide me with the same feelings of relief as coming up with new and interesting ways to cuss out a driver who cuts me off in traffic on the way to work.I'm not just talking about 4 letter words here. I'm speaking of an all encompassing vituperation that rains like napalm upon the unknowing stranger. I call things about the person into question that don't even make sense in the context of driving. Personal hygiene, choice in vehicle, bumper stickers, personalized license plates, taste in women (or men), hair style, what insurance company I believe they might purchase car insurance from. Nothing is off limits. 

 

This is a game just for me though. I've never been in a situation where I've been so truly angry that no matter how egregiously wrong the object of my scorn might be, my harsh words always make me look like the insane one.

marginalia

marginalia

\mahr-juh-NEY-lee-uh\ , noun;

1.Notes in the margin of a book, manuscript, or letter.

 

One of my favorite parts about college was the realization that, for the first time in my life, I could write in the text books. I felt a sick kind of excitement. My school career up to that point consisted of veiled threats of the unknown if I did not have my text book covered promptly by a brown paper bag. Looking back on it I'm not sure how impenetrable a fortress a  brown paper bag was expected to be, but I covered my books dutifully and was sure to avoid marking the book in any way. 

After all those years of Catholic grade school pen oppression I was ready to take the plunge. The gravity of the situation was not lost on me. I wasn't just writing some notes in the margin, I was communicating with someone in the future! I was, in a sense, a time traveler.

It took everything inside me not to write "PENIS PENIS PENIS" across every page. Although I may have high lighted it a few times when it showed up in the book.

Haughty

Haughty - Blatantly and disdainfully proud.

One reason the Dog is a superior animal to the Cat is because a dog knows when it did something wrong, and feels guilty about it, whereas a Cat knows when it does something wrong, and delights in it.

The dog has the respect and presence of mind to act contrite, while the haughty feline watches you clean up the mess.

"What's up? Did you see my work in the bathroom today? It wasn't easy going through that entire roll of toilet paper but by God I did it. Now go clean it up, I'll be taking a nap on your pillow."

obfuscate

Obfuscate - make obscure or unclear.

Mammals, and by mammals I mean humans, and by humans I mean most women, and by most women I mean every single girl I have ever met in my entire life without exception, are master obfuscators. It's not their fault, it's genetically coded in their DNA.

This is why men can think they're winning an argument only to be railroaded at the last minute and caught off balance. For example, did you know it can cost $130 for a woman to get her hair cut and high lighted? And this is done every 4-6 weeks. She'll even agree with you that it is a completely unnecessary expense and women are beautiful the way they already are, without the highlights. Just when you think you've made a substantial point she'll obfuscate

"I noticed you got your hair cut..."
"Why yes, I did." You reply, without fully understanding the freight train headed your way.
"...."
"What? You don't like my haircut? It only cost me $15!"
"I'm not saying I don't like it and I'm not saying I like it. I'm just making an observation..."
"What, do you think it looked better the old way?"
"I'm not saying anything..."
"Maybe...maybe I'd look better with high lights?"
"I know a great hair stylist, and she only costs $130!"

Argh! Obfuscated again!

jiggery pokery

Jiggery Pokery - dishonest or suspicious activity; nonsense.

Although I am a proud American I am not too proud to admit I am jealous of certain things British in nature. The first is the accent. I am under the impression that American women love accents, and being nerdy and socially awkward would be a lot cuter with an English accent. . The second is they have a word like "Jiggery Pokery". I feel like no matter what you get caught doing wrong it will be forgiven if you could somehow work in the term jiggery pokery.

Did the Hotel catch you trying to nick the bathrobes? Just a little jiggery pokery on your part. Husband or Wife walk in on you cheating? Nonsense darling, just a little jiggery pokery. Operating a Meth Lab out of the basement of the local Day-Care center? Once everyone understands that it was merely a bit of jiggery pokery on your behalf all will be forgiven and we'll have a jolly good laugh later on.

corybantic

corybantic

\ kawr-uh-BAN-tik \  , adjective;

1.Frenzied; agitated; unrestrained.

 

My cat had a pretty rough childhood. I took her in from the wild after she was abandoned at just a few weeks old. I've tried to get her reconciled to a more domesticated lifestyle but I don't think she trusts it. Between her absentee mother and the traumatic experience of what she may consider being kidnapped (I know my intentions are the best, but being chased after, snatched up, dunked in a bath, and having a pink ribbon tied around your neck may have left her a little frazzled) she is having a hard time adjusting. 

 

She certainly is not fond of loud banging noises, the slightest of which throw her into a corybantic state and causes her to turn into a fluffy blur in search of the nearest couch to hide under. Unfortunately for her I am not the most cat like of creatures, and my toes have never met a wall they haven't wanted to stub themselves upon. This throws me into a corybantic state, which includes language more suitable for Jerry Springer than an educational blog.

 

Regardless, I think the cat is better off. The only drawback to her new life with me is pretty soon she'll be cussing like a sailor.  

Metier

métier

\ met-YAY; MET-yay \  , noun;

1.An occupation; a profession.

2.An area in which one excels; an occupation for which one is especially well suited.

 

The sad truth about life is that our metier is never what we wish it to be. One might hope to be an astronaut, a Scientist, or a professional athlete, but usually ends up as a janitor, and not even a good one at that. We can assume God has a sense of humor so long as we accept that sometimes we are the butt of the joke.